Willy Wonka Is Badass.

I'm not talking about the new Willy Wonka. I love Johnny's representation of the Wonka-nator but old-school Wonka is just... the shizz.

I love him so much.
When I was younger, I always had my mum fast foward it to the bit when he comes out the factory. Yeah- past the entirity of the beginning of the film. I don't care much for "scene setting"

There you go. That's when I started the video.

In Other News

Only 2 more days (Including today) left before I leave O_O Scared, much.

I just ate a union jack chocolate lolly. You know what it tasted like? Of course you don't, only me and my father do. Yeah, I gave one to my Dad because he's pretty ace. You jelly? You should be.
It tasted like advent calendar chocolate. And that makes me pretty excited. About Christmas.

Wow. That was short.
Always end on a joke...

OH GOD I CAN'T THINK

Real-Life Pop-Up Pirate

So less than a week before I move out.
Less than a week before I have to deal without internet until I get it sorted... I'm sorta hoping the people who are living there have thought about it already. I don't think they have...






Thank you Plague Girl for sending me this: 

That little rabbit has it going on. You know what I want more than the rabbit? The tiny trolley. I have a thing for miniature versions of real-life things.
I squeel over Dolls' houses. Like, the big impressive proper ones that are worth thousands. Those ones.
They have tiny pork pies and they make me swoon.

I don't like rabbits much. If you make them a hutch, they still spend all their time trying to find a way out of it...
They kick too. And bite.
and no, I wasn't trying to eat it.

In other news.
I went to the pub last night with my colleagues from work to say goodbye :'( *cries*
I had an amazing night thanks to all of the wonderful people who turned up :3
In the pub we were at--- there were decorative barrels placed outside, acting as tables/ash trays. A friend, who will we know as Bat-Nav (He has his sat-nav set so that the little car on the screen is the freaking batmobile. I have the best friends.) suggested just how awesome it would be if said barrels were actually giant pop-up pirates.

Set the scene.
A drunkered, he's been mouthing off to the staff and anyone who walks past all night and he decides that the barrel is the best place for his tush to sit.
He falls asleep on the barrel, against the wall and the fun begins.
Two teams take different coloured plastic cutlasses and stick them into predetermined holes in the barrel.
When a plastic cutlass is put into the right hole.
KAPLOW

Airborne Drunkered. Problems solved.


This practice exists. Not quite with drunkerds. Asians instead.

Old McDonald Had a Farm...

This picture made my day today. It made me laugh probably more than it should have.

The more you look, the funnier it gets.

Just a Basic Rule.

I Touched Derek Landy. No Jokes.

Yesterday, I spent between 7pm and 11:20pm at Waterstones in Guildford meeting the genius behind Skullduggery Pleasant, Derek Landy.

The demi-god himself gave a really lengthy chat about himself. It was wonderful.

The only downside was the fact that I had to share my personal space with about 60 12-13 year olds. Me and The Clown I went with were the oldest ones there who didn't have children.

You'll see from the next pictures. I went in my ankle-length trench.
I'm pretty sure I heard one of the boy-children sitting near me ask his father "Daddy, is that what Death looks like?" and he just replied "Yes, Son. Yes it is"

See? Proof. I touched him.

and I swear I wasn't holding a gun to the back of his neck either o-o



This next picture was taken for the bum who lives in my attic. I'm not sure why I do so much for that guy... I don't particularly like him up there. He keeps tampering with the light fittings which make them cover me in electrical confetti when I turn on the ceiling-lights. I know it's him because every time it happens, you can hear feint laughter from above.

Anyway, he asked (On a paper aeroplane) for a photograph of my fist-bumping the man. So here it is:

Look at how cool we are.

So the last thing I wanted to draw your attention to was the fact that me and the clown were on Waterstone's twitter feed because we were the last fans to wait.

Hamlet

I'd like to dedicate this post to the bum that lives in my attic and occasionally throws down a cassette with a good piece of music on it or a post-it with some weird advice on it.

I wonder if he ever /did/ fix his Dolphin's watch.

This one's for you- you crazy bastard.

Apple Iphone 5 *Barfs* Sorry, I Can't Say That Without Throwing Up.

I am an apple hater. Sorry.
Not a true Apple Hater- I use an iPod. But iphones, macs, tablets etc. Make me sick.

Long live Android.

Oh Lord, 6 Days, a Tonne of Brain Vomit and Global Warming Roasted.

6 Days until I move out of the family home and go and be myself in a house without my mummy.
Oh. Lord.

I have to cook, clean and try not to get ill all by myself. Oh lord.
I think I've nearly finished packing just today. Got the rest of the loose "Stuff" into bags so when the day comes, I can throw it into the car and just go.

Yesterday, I was routing around in my room looking for other bits to take with me and I found a piece of creative writing I did a few years ago about global warming.

This is what I had the balls to present to my tutor:

"So scientists have us all running around like headless chickens over the weather? It hardly sounds like anaything to be worried about, does it? Warmer summers and colder winters? I say "roll out the suntan lotion and bring on the blankets!"

Tree huggers and environmentalists are choosing now to have a go at us all for using too much energy and producing too much green house gas, but if this is really going to end the world and we're all going to die simply because a few of us leave our lights on when we go out, why didn't we see it coming? and why- with all of these "Advances in technology" that keep popping up, can we not tell how to fit is lickety-split? I think these scientists are making a hefty profit over something they don't truly know about. So yes, they've been doing research and noticed that "as the population has grown, so has the number of cars and so has the amount of CO2 in our atmosphere..." It seems quite obvious to me that it has come a little late...
If we "act" now (Whatever that means) in the proposed ways we would only make things more difficult for everyone and thus make their lives more miserable.

Should we really be punished for having fun and trying to make the most of our lives? (Again, if they can look that far forward why were we not warned about this bio-apocolypse) by which time most of the government will be dead and buried. Where they should be, if you ask me.
Let's look at a very recent way which Government is trying to cut down landfill sites. Recycling bins at every home.
Ok, one green box for cans and a big black ordinary rubbish bin for everything else.
Right, now a purple one as well for cardboard?
And, I don't know about anyone else, but I have other, better things to do with my life than sit and tear the windows out of my envelopes.

Oh and now there's a new one! A pretty turquoise one for cooked and uncooked food. But it has a buddy too! One little silver one to sit and stink-up your kitchen whilst your festering food is waiting to be colelcted. A fail to the Government on that one, I think...

So "Friends of the Earth", You propose with enough support you can bring laws in to reduce carbon emmissions and stop climate change/ But hang on, you already know what carbon emissions are linked to... So will I have to start walking the 2.7 miles between my house and school every morning or will my teachers have to cycle to work at 5:30am?

I don't think this is fair, do you? That we, the good innocent people , should now have to suffer for the resources we used without thinking because we thought (Stupidly, clearly) that that's what Government were paid way-too-many pounds a year to tell us?! Should it be our problem? Is that selfish? Maybe it is, but if life isn't for enjoying to the best of your ability, which may include leaving your phone on charge over-night, they what is it for?

Let's stand together, as a unied nation. Don't pay me £3 a month to pass some more rules that will make our lives hell. Continue to live your life as you were before "Climate Change", before we were all in fear of dying from leaving our teles on standby and have fun!
Because life is too short to have time wasted tearing windows out of envelopes. Life is too short to have time owed to you by old men in suits who get paid too much to drink whisky, have affairs with their PAs and claim money on a house they don't even live in (Don't get me started on that)

So as they say in the military (Another story, for another time)

As you were, men!

P.S I blame it all on the farting cows. Bloody methane machines."


So apparently, me a few years ago had no real idea of what was going on, but appreciated that tearing windows out of envelopes was a waste of time. Wonderful.

Oh My Broken Tractor [OMBT] 100 Posts..

 Oh my goodness. 100 Posts. In such short time. Someone fetch me some alcohol to celebrate. and bacon! and pasta! You better salt that pasta well, or we're going to have words.

Maths + Hammer = Happy Goat

What happens if you take one of these: 


And add a hammer, some pliers, a screwdriver and about an hour?

Yeah.

This.

I.. like to take things apart... Not because I'm destructive (much) but because I like to find out how things work. Similar things have happened in my house to DVD players, a video player and laptops.
I can never put them back together.

Oh and the same thing happened to Hannah Montana. Since I'm not, by law, allowed to deconstruct her in person. I did the closest thing I could think of.

This thing used to play a clip of one of her songs... It doesn't any more.

I don't like Miley Cyrus.


Can you tell..?

I'll Go Ahead and Leave This Here...

This just made my day.

The Importance of Eating Bacon

Bacon. Bacon is the most imortant thing to remember just after "Don't get shot" which stands after "Don't touch bats"
Seriously, this guy told me that once. It's a pretty important lesson.

Chunky Dunk

I can't take all the glory for this; I saw it on a coaster in a shop somewhere perhaps in Guildford, maybe in Woking. I can't remember.
Just something I quickly "knocked up" for you guyz. Was also using my new stencils. Innit.

Photo Stories--- Boring Title? You're right... Try... BOOBIE PICKLES.

 This blog post is for writing little stories about some pictures that I have an always wanted to tell the stories of. You might find that I have a few posts like this coming up as I have stacks of photographs with stories and never had the oportunity to tell them.

If you like them. Comment. If you don't. Comment. I'll go with what I am told.

Ever wondered what happens when you set a whole box of matches on fire?


Part 1 and 2 caught on camera [Srsly, check that link].
Part 2 finishes with someone blowing it out. The shriek at the end belongs to me. Apologies for blowing your eardrums.

Yes. The douche who blew it out got burning acid in his eyes. These videos were taken a few years ago and explain exactly why my chemistry tutor hated my guts.

 This. This is demon-pig [Do not use that link if you're scared easily]. This pig was found in a garden centre.

He has no eyes. [Could not find suitable link that didn't scare my pants off. Seriously, just searching and they're gone]

I couldn't physically take a picture of his face front-on because it was too scary.
Talking of scary- have you ever been put on hold on the Student Finance line? Holy hell. Organs, screeching violins and weeping cellos. Seriously creepy stuff. The Scottish woman luckily was amused by my introduction of "That was the scariest hold music I've ever heard in my life" She apparently had never heard it, so I told her to call herself at work at some point and ask them to put her on hold.

 This is pinhead.
Some strange bum who once lived in my attic came down one day and stole my entire collection of blu-tack. The next time I saw it- it was this. A blue skull. It was pretty awesome, but the only thing that could have made it better was what I did to it and put screws in his head and eyes.
On a related note; I watched "Laid to Rest" last night. Very good film, very gruesome [I watched the uncensored version], very good ending. Never a dissapointing moment. I also watched the Blair Witch Project. Wasn't as good as I was expecting. Won't lie- it took forever to make anything spooky happen and then just as it got interesting, it finished o-o just like that. So if you're looking for a fairly short, scary film and want to be put off camping for life- either go camping on the Isle of Wight, or watch this film. Just fast-forward through the first 45 minutes. Oh, and prepare to want to kill the characters yourself.

See what I did there? Ooh, cheeky.

This is what came out of going to the pub after a christening.

These things. Although they look nasteh- they taste pretty ok.

3 bags of these things for a £1 from Sainsburys.

Full of all the things that make going to the toilet really easy for the next week.


I can't finish on that note. Quick, Goat- think of something to say!


ERM

PINEAPPLES.

There.

So When You're Done With Your Pasta; This.

This isn't JUST a heartattack in a bowl. This is Goat's heart attack in a bowl.

This is a deliciously singular profiterole, because there wasn't enough to go around, dolloped with half-fridged chocolate surrounded by a sickeningly sweet sea of whipped, cream-from-a-can. Accompanied by a Monsieur Kipling's chocolate slice, embedded with chocolate chunks and cholesterol.

It was delicious. Strangely.

 This is jelly.

Don't tell me you knew. It could have been anything.... Oh god, don't think about that too much...

Jelly is one of the best things in the world ever. It wobbles and it tastes amazing. Don't look into that either.

You know? There's very little I can say without you taking this the wrong way anymore. So I'm going to go ahead and move on.

 This is orange juice for the Mafia.
There's not a lot more I can say considering it belongs to the Don--- so I might have to kill you or be killed if I told you much more.


You do half expect a couple of men in sharp suits and ear pieces to jump out at you when trying to buy this stuff.

It's more than half-expect. It's closer to 70%-expect.

 This is a Thornton's Brownie embedded with a smartie.

My own invention, my own copyright. Don't even think about stealing it.

Just because it tastes like rainbow unicorns doing a dance in your mouth.

and finally, some sweets to finish up.

This is a make-your-own-burger candy.

It's so bad for you, you can feel the bad-ness falling down your throat.

This is a picture I took and sent to the Dancing Clown because me and Goff made one for him... but then we couldn't help it and ate it.

Pigeons Eat Doritos!

I don't know if anyone's noticed, but there's been a lot of Pigeons in PNMS recently o_o

I think pigeons are like marmite.

No, not because they're tasty on toast.

You either like them or you hate them so much, you want to smash them on the ground and run away.

I. Hate. Marmite.
I love the franchise, I like the look, I love the black and yellow and I love marmite merchandise, but I feel wrong having said merch because I don't eat the demonic stuff. If Satan enjoys anything on toast. It's marmite.

However. Pigeons. Pigeons are different. First offs, we Brits have decided to call them something that is spelt ridiculously... but also because I like them. I think they add a constant character and presence to otherwise pretty deserted places. I mean--- would trafalgar square really be the same without it's population? I don't think so.

They're also pretty cute. I'm not talking about the scruffy bastards with orange god-forsaken eyes. Fuck no. I'm talking about the grey ones with bits of pink on them who like to eat the bits of lunch you don't want [Other than the lettuce. They turn their beaks up at lettuce. I feel a connection]

Pigeons eat doritos. Who knew.

Aren't Balloons Just the Best Things Ever?

To begin, I'd like to share with you a photograph I found in an album book.
Unfortunately, I don't know the photographer (If anyone does, please comment, I'd like to be his friend. Unless he's dead an' all... in which case... I'll just throw a fleeting thumbs up in an upward direction)

This. This is genuinly the look I possess whenever I'm bought, or I buy, a balloon.


You know the last time I bought a big balloon? It was a pirate ship. A massive FO Pirate Ship. [Just looked for pictures, apparently, none exist. Sad Panda.]



The one before that though. Wow, what a story. I'm pretty sure it's gone on my "Why Goat Isn't Allowed Past the Pearly Gates" list. I was at Chessington World of Adventures, on a school trip [That's right, my school went to freaking theme parks for school trips] and I was standing by the boat ride waiting for my friend to come out of the toilets after puking up the 3m jelly candy-snake she insisted on eating.... [Idiot. I told her that weight of e-numbers will only event in colourful throw-up. One day, people will appreciate my genius] and I saw a man-child using one of the toygrabbers there. Just as he walked away, he dropped a piece of paper on the ground. I was curious and bored, so approaching the paper, suddenly noticed what it was.
£5 was just laying there, holding it's papery arms up to me, offering it's warm, monetary embrace.
I took the £5 note. I just pocketed it and ran away. Did he miss it? Who knows. Did he even notice it was gone? I hope not.

Anyway. On the way out, there was a woman who looked like her pet rabbit had just been boiled by an over-protective exboyfriend selling balloons. My eyes lit up like a--- funnily enough, baby rabbit... Sick irony. And I ran to her. Spotting the bright pink dolphin I wanted to have, I grasped the string and held it aloft in just enough time for her to tell me the price.

"£5 please" You're joking. The sick winnings I got from a stranger, and I've just laundered it.


The balloon lasted about 2 weeks.

R.I.P Pinky The Dolphin.
R.I.P £5

Harley Davidsons and Sand Timers

 A little while ago now, me and Plague Girl went out on a photography trip into the town centre to get some casual piccies.

We found this beauty parked up outside the library.

I love it. I love that it's the colour of custard.

You know, as a kid I loved it, then I hit about 14 and didn't like it, and now, as a right-thinking adult [Ahahaa...] I LOVE it.
I particularly like pink custard. But no one knows that, so don't tell anyone. I'm not a fairy. I swear.
Unless being a fairy means I could fly in which case. Yes. I am a hardcore fairy.

These pictures are completely unrelated to the bike. But just show my hardcore skills.

That's a sand timer balanced on a lego piece on a work bench.

YOU TRY IT.

It's bluddy hard.

So worth it though.