Unturned: Golf Ranges, Lighthouses, Zombies and Unreachable Helicopters

From the PNMS-approved publisher Smartly Dressed Games, comes "Unturned" a minecraft-looking game with more zombies, less pigs and (some might say 'thankfully') no silver fish.

I've just finished playing this game for the first time (Free-to-play on Steam) and I had a bit of a blast. It takes some time getting used to the running and the getting eaten pretty quickly, but you eventually develop strategies and techniques and...

AIM FOR THE HEAD.

That's pretty much all you can do when there's a zombie eating your face-flesh... but as long as you keep your tiny centre-screen dot on their ugly little block-y faces when you're punching the ever-living crap out of them they usually fall down.
I played co-op mode with the hobo who insists on residing in my attic (I have tried legal action, turns out he has friends in high places... I ran out of money before I could even present his own excrement as 'exhibit A' in court...) and found it was pretty fun. Much less "co-op" than you may imagine, you spawn in different places and it's nearly impossible to find each other... Oh but when you do...

So you start as a naked, weapon-less creature in a world to zombies:

 NO I DIDN'T JUST SCREEN CAP IT KAII, get over it.

This was the first "squealing about everything" moment of the game. I CAN HAVE A CUTESIE FACE. LOOK AT IT OH GOD.
My little naked, chunky body that no one could find sexy with EXACTLY my hair style and a little kitty face. ADORABLE.

I spent the first few death/respawns running about the island and punching zombies to death. It took me until the fourth respawn that I really got the hang of it. Spawning just beside a lighthouse, I climbed the ladder and punched the zombie guarding the top right in the head so centrally that it

JUST DIED.

I then looted a PONCHO (Second "Squealing like a fangirl" moment). Wandering around in my newly-found apparel, whistling the tune from 'The Good, the Bad and the Ugly', I saw a helicopter on an island! I tried at least 50 god damned times to get to the damn thing. Could I reach it?! Could I commandeer the metal bird like a post-modern- part Mexican- Captain Jack?! NO. Lame. 

But it was fun trying.

After a few more friends decided they had nothing better to do with their 3Ghz of processing power, they joined us on the Minecraft-esque Zombie infested island and that's when things got pretty amazing. They both spawned in different places (as everyone does) but we managed to find each other within the hour, and someone brought a car. Piled in, we did. On a country drive, we went. PILEDROVE ALL THE DEAD BASTARDS WITH OUR BUMPER, DID...WE. We found an infested military base and a few towns that we CLAIMED AS OUR OWN. We made base-camp, I nearly died, we swapped clothes and weapons then started shooting each other. Just like best friends do best. 

I eventually looted a builder's hat and found myself a gun. Then I died and went to play Might and Magic.

Overall; good game, play with friends. NEVER TURN YOUR BACK. on anything. Ever (especially douchebag friends). The graphics are so simple they're adorable and always take every chance you have to take a car and go on lovely country drives. 

Country drives that consist mostly of MOWING DOWN THE UNDEAD.

Animals With Moustaches... Yep.

When I become leader of the world and own everything (United States of Eurasia and all that) I will fill the world with these beautiful animals. Some sourced from this rather crazy article from National Geographic who probably paid someone to find these creatures.

I am not getting paid to share them with you beautiful people. I believe these animals' moustaches should be part of everyone's lives. Indulge and enjoy.

Behind curtain number one, we have the rather beautiful monkey-goblin (Emperor Tamarin)

 I will call this little mustachioed peanut-eater, Sherlock. Imagine him in a tiny deerstalker. Go on do it.

Behind curtain number two! The rather beautiful moustache-fish (Leopard Cory catfish)

and finally... the most impressive of reveals and the biggest smelliest of curtains is reserved for the one and only;

Isn't he beautiful...? YES HE IS SHUTUP.
I love him. I think I may call him Keith. KEITH. If your name is Keith, don't take offence. Look into Keith's calm, tranquil eyes. Think of how happy Keith is wallowing in shit every day... without a care in the world or a bitch to worry him.

I think we should take a moment to try and model our lives more on Keith's. He has shit sorted. Look at him. He could be a piggy executive manager at some... pig... cooperation... or something. With a moustache like that and not many cares to his name, this bearded pig can achieve anything.

Be more like Keith.

:B

Is That All You Got You Pansies?

So I just came back from watching Sin City 2...

I was very, very scared for this movie back when everything was finalised and publicly released.

but I have good news.
I'm literally bouncing with excitement after seeing it and I'm so happy to report that you will love it.

Ultra fans and new-comers alike, the film is beautiful in every way. Sticking to the comics wonderfully, everyone should go and book a ticket now.

I'm serious. Get out of here and go and get your tickets. SRS. GET OUT. GO.

Marv, you tell 'em.

Mario, Luigi and Yoshi 'drive' Go-kart Repairman to Ragequit

When 'Robert' posted an ad on the internet offering his professional go-kart fixing skills (bet you can get a PhD in that, too...) little did he know that the internet is a fanciful place full of creative, imaginative beings!...

...with very little else to do than to prank advertisers.

In response to his advert he received a couple of different replies... all pictured below that really do speak for themselves.
Reply number 1 got the ball rolling: 

Reply number two continued in a wonderfully similar fashion:

and finally, response number three had me in close-man-tears:

Thank you, Internet. Once more, three of you have found something to waste 10 minutes of your life doing and have entertained the internet with your shenanigans. Nice moves.

:B

NOW PANIC AND FREAK OUT

EVERYONE RUN AROUND AND GRAB DEBIT CARDS AND THING STEAM HAS A SALE ON.

(Hi, btw)
Not just any sale, up to 80% off sale... I bagged a small fortune worth of games last night for just under £40... including:

 

BORDERLANDS: GAME OF THE YEAR EDITION

£4.99 

Includes all the DLC!

BORDERLANDS 2: GAME OF THE YEAR EDITION

£8.74

Includes all the DLC!

and finally; 

THE PRE-SEQUEL! 

£29.99

This sweet baby is on pre-order at the moment, but will be about £40 when it comes out, also- buy one of the other games above or have one in your library already and get this one for only £26.99. Mint.

I'm not sure why you're still reading at this point... I mean Steam is out there right now, just sat there with a stockpile (digital stockpile) of all your favourite games and all the best ones for ridiculous prices and you're sat here talking to me. Seriously. Get your ass up.

The sale lasts until the 25th, so don't bother waiting for payday- skip that mortgage repayment and tell your parents they can wait another month for that £30 they lent you last night to get slaughtered. You're going to need these games in your life.

As a wise old bum who lives in my attic once told me "Games aren't like buying food, they're the gift that keeps on giving."

So it's conclusive.

DON'T EAT JUST BUY GAMES.

:B

Lammily; The Barbie Suitable for Trainers, is Allowed to Like Food

So an inspired artist, graduate of Pittsburgh university has created a Barbie-type toy that has 'real' humanistic proportions.

She doesn't walk on her tiptoes!

Nickolay Lamm named the product "Lammily"... after himself (I would too if I could make a product) and has suggested it will help children stop seeing Barbie as the perfect, although humanly unattainable, figure.

Lammily is portrayed as a strong, independent female who is "Fit and strong".

I personally like the idea, I think it's really nice and yeah it might make the kids less self conscious about being stick-thin... I don't much like their tag line of "Average is Beautiful" just because of my physical phobia of "normal" and kids being led into trends, fashions and stereotypes through trying to be "normal" (I was always the weird kid at school, and damn proud. This is for you, glue-eaters) but I like this idea.

The main problem, is the kick starter is only asking for $95,000... which might sound like a lot- but to try and replace Barbie on the shelves that is churned out by Mattel, THE top toy manufacturer in the WORLD on 95 grand seems very unlikely.

So I wish it the best of luck, but I won't be investing, so I'm out.

:B

!!WIN!! PANDORA BRACELET or VIP NIGHT OUT IN ONE OF BATH'S TOP NIGHT CLUBS

Not my usual sort of thing on this blog, but a local company needed a hand getting this questionnaire filled out, so being the friendly neighbourhood salt-shaker I am, I was willing to lend one.

Calling all UK Southwest Females!

Fill out this very fast, easy questionnaire to be in with a chance to win a Pandora Bracelet or a VIP night out in one of Bath's Top Night Clubs!

Just comment with your answers or e-mail them directly (much safer) to;

emily.colebrook998@outlook.com

Thank you!  :B

42 Most Nutty People on Ebay (Currently)

"Parents, how many times have you had to break up an argument over a twig? A lot right? You try and offer your child a new twig, but what you don't understand is that like the Spice Girls each twig has it's own character and you can't just replace one with another twig."

This is the opening sentence to a genuine product (or range of) available on eBay at the moment. The description continues;

"Well on offer for you I have a set of six travel size twigs, each with a unique personality so you never have to come unstuck."

You didn't read that wrong. This is a genuine listing for a set of six twigs collected by some crazy nut who has then listed them on eBay. They started at the modest price of 99p and over 6 days, the price has soared to £62... through 42 bids. 

Watch out for those thorns on #5!

"It should be noted these twigs come from De Beauvoir Square, a part of London where a room in a shared house costs a minimum of £600 a month excluding bills, and a sandwich starts at £4.20, thus making these premium twigs and not everyday rubbish. Here are some dimensions...
Twig #1 24cm x 0.8cm
Twig #2 16.3cm x 1.3cm
Twig #3 14.8cm x 0.6cm
Twig #4 16.8cm x 1.7cm
Twig #5 21.5cm x 0.5cm (WARNING! this one is thorny)
Twig #6 15.7cm x 1cm

Ok for the sake of your children good luck, I only wish I had enough to sell you all."

So if you particularly fancy buying some upper class twigs with a bit of personality and literally have more money than sense- head over to the eBay page now and bid what you dare.
Boris-only-knows how much these sticks will get and whether or not it's a thing for charity...


:B

Sin City: A Dame To Kill For

So 22nd August this year will see the birth of the prequel of one of my favourite EVER films- Sin City....

The trailer was released a few days ago and I just don't know what to think of it. It's got SO much to live up to to be anywhere near the first film... but I'd love to know what a few of you lot think...

So am I looking forward to it? OF COURSE I AM.
Have my expectations already unrealistically high to the point of almost definite disappointment? DEFINITELY

For now, I shall continue to read and re-read the graphic novel until I have the plot so dug into my brain that every little line that isn't in the book will be a surprise and I'll be "that guy" who knows it frame for frame...

:B

A Post to You

Yep, you. This post is for you.



Just a massively cheesy thank you to all of you who have been coming by and saying hello and poking your heads around the door to check if anything new had gone up over the last few months... (You're all pretty salty, in my books)
Just come back from a pretty insane absence... but I am back! and I'm back with a passion. (or something poetic)

Here's something to kick off the more regular posts that will start pouring into this salty page. Here you are.

:B