That moment when you just step out of the shower and hear the doorbell.
Thinking it was my beloved housemate,
I begun my descent down the stairs in my towel. Half way down the
stairs I hear a key being put in the door. "She had her key all the
time, the lazy shit" I thought as I called out "oh, I was rushing and
everything"
...just as my landlord lets himself in. "Oh... hi Paul..." "oh, hi... I uh...
Came to see about the leak?" He said, letting himself in, followed by a
plumber who gave me a smile as if to say "you're naked under that
towel" *creeper face*
I dart upstairs, I only want to get
dressed at this point. Into my room, ACDC blaring loudly, I dropped my
towel just in time to see the plumber and landlord climbing onto the
extension roof... Right outside my window.
The plumber's suspicions were confirmed and I don't think I've ever moved that fast in the morning. Perhaps never.
I guess I'm getting dressed in the bathroom.
Practically the look the plumber gave me on the way out
Found this on the Internet today... I don't know how accurate it is, but I will start using this.
I really hope this becomes a thing. Really, really hope.
I've recently been wasting an abnormal amount of my time on a game called "Cookie Clicker" It's beautiful, it's compelling, it's motivating, it makes you feel good about yourself, it gives you something to do in between working, it sits in the background constantly progressing, it ruins your life, it makes your brain want to fall out, it runs your everything... it will take your very soul...
Her name is Harley (Like Harley Quinn from the Batman universe) and I will love her and hug her and squeeze her and love her.
I realise no salting has been done for more than is acceptable and I'll tell you for why. I went on holiday, I did.
I flew a golden eagle, I did.
I floated in a boat, I did.
I ate pancakes.
The discovery of the century almost ensured to give you a coronary or heart failure.
KFP! Kentucky Fried Pizza. Don't give me that judgemental look.
Actually, you know what? Do. It's ruined every diet I could possibly imagine myself on.
You ever seen this;
It's literally like the gateway to fast-food heaven? KFC and Pizza Hut all in a very small area. This is how to play; KFP.
1. Find animal, mineral or vegetable (or clown) to go shopping with.
2. Find food court with both KFC and Pizza Hut.
3. Send peer, relative, friend or mortal enemy to KFC to pick up boneless banquet (x2... I told you you'd die from this)
4. Go and collect one individual size pizza for yourself and another for your companion.
5. Choose noshing area and both return to it.
6. Decorate that pizzery goodness in chickeny goodness and eat that shit 'till you weep grease.
Optional 7. Purchase chips from MacDonalds also in Foodcourt and really indulge.
(Not advised for individuals who suffer from; asthma, heart problems, back problems, Fast-food related phobias, vegetarianism, pregnancy, health-freakness or old age. Also not recommended for those wanting to live past the age of 30)
Whilst eating this beautiful array of artery-blocking power, across the food court from where we sat was a family. A Mother, the size of what I like to call a "Land Whale", another female who could have been partner or friend and four or five children all of primary school age being approached by what looked like police. Being British, I couldn't help but to be over-ly curious and very unsubtle about it, so listening in, they were being told off for encouraging their children to be truant. Also known as keeping your children out of school to take them to MacDonald's... This is when I noticed that the "police" in fact had "Truancy Police" written on their uniforms. Yeah, that's a thing now. They genuinely hire people to walk around in police outfits finding the parents who think it's OK to keep their children out of school and punishing them. Genius. I love it. Also this month; This happened.
This happened for dinner... AFTER lunching on KFP. I am so happy to tell you I couldn't finish all this, but god damn right now it looks so tasty... and on that note. The best chat-up line I've heard this month.
Just like a cheeky pee into a lake, this is going to be a quick salting of the pasta.
Firstly- just a shout out to the... rather large... handful of you lot who come to this blog EVERY day. Without fail. There's a good load of you who every day come to this page and check it out, read another post, share it and pass it on.
Without you lot, this whole blog malarkey wouldn't be half as rewarding, so thank you.
That's too romantic. You all smell like burnt toast.
There, balance restored.
Secondly (and lastly, there I go again with beginning a list expecting there to be a lot more on it than there is...) a man-child from the bath has started a blog and mentioned me, so I thought it was only fair if I mentioned him right back. Hit him up here, he might write some good stuff.
I've been teaching all this week and I have a couple of things I wanna get off my chest.
One.
This picture drives me insane.
I couldn't find anything to suggest this was a joke. Unfortunately, it seems to have disappeared from tumblr too... Interestingly.
I find everything it states really difficult to get on with. Morally and because, respectively; Youtube blocks a lot of very good music videos from being viewed within "certain zones"
You ever jogged on a wii? How many muscle-names did you learn?
If you're still watching Dora at 14/15, you should probably consider buying some new channels for your digital box.
The English one, I'm not even going to justify with any sort of humour. It's disgusting.
Calculators have their place, until you're caught without one. And not being able to do basic maths in your head will hinder your later life.
Where on earth sells globes now? (See what I did there)
and history, although I do believe we should split the history curriculum with a lesson on patriotism or "Future" and we learn what to expect to be seeing and learn how to use it, we learn from past mistakes.
Secondly.
This video also drives me up the wall.
In no way can I argue with a lot of what this boy says, a lot of it is true.
The one main problem I have with this, is that he doesn't want exams to rule his life... but he can't pronounce the word "Asking"... That's what school's for, kids.
and I'm supposed to be part of the generation he's speaking for, and it makes me cringe.
So next time you munch your way into some vanilla ice-cream (and sickeningly, also some raspberry stuff too) just check the back of the packet for Castoreum.
and thank the beaver.
What do you mean "Milking season"? Where are you putting that hand?!
Sitting at home, watching Britain's Got Talent (We all know it hasn't) the final and what should happen but an unwanted guest on stage of the act that came 3rd.
Natalie Holt, a former contestant on the show had held the personal vendetta for a full year before appearing again this year and pelting Simon Cowell with eggs from the stage. She grinned like a psycho and had quite the throw on her, to be fair.
She even dressed for the occasion in a little black number.
Simon was reported to have had to change his shirt and after a cigarette was "Comforted by a female friend"... Best way to get over being egged; a fag and a quicky. Love it.
Anyway, the papers pretty much covered all of the best shots of it, here's one I nabbed, but do check out the links for any further info;
Tattoos are hard. They make you look hard.
You get them to look cool, to fit in, to show your love for a loved one (Not recommended unless married with children), you get them to remember an important event, to remember someone who's died, to flash off a witty slogan that tells people about you and mostly- you get them when you're drunk.
All of these different tattoos all have one thing in common that stop a lot of people from getting one; "What if I get bored of it after a few weeks?"
What if the day you decide to get a tattoo you are in love with Justin Bieber and then a few weeks after you see sense?
What if you ask for a tattoo of your baby and get this;
Well now some clever bastards have come up with a clever device to conquer these fears.
Introducing; The moodINQ Programmable Tattoo
What it doesn't mention here is also a list of the places licensed to sell and implant the magical patch under your skin for you too. Apparently they're everywhere.
I was going to make this a massively long post about how innovative it is, and how sensible and how I had never considered a tattoo before now, but I would totally go for this one.
Browse the links littered around this post and try and work out why I'm cutting it short and grumbling into my pasta.
Because I worry you might be looking at me with that look you do that means you're angry but too polite to say so.
But I'm not going to apologise. APOLOGIES ARE FOR THE WEAK. (I don't believe that)
Yep, so this happened. (Love the little heads up on the bottom of that photo.)
A kid decided to lob a triangular flapjack into another kid's eye and as a measure to protect future children from the murderous snacks, the school in question has made it against regulation to allow triangular flapjacks, they will now only serve square flapjacks.
I've heard the phrase "Health and safety has gone mad" but this is getting stupid now, guys.
Also- I'd like to know if anyone has sat down and told whoever made this earth-shattering decision that if a child breaks a square flapjack in half... it would make a triangular flapjack. To avoid this, of course, you could employ "Flapjack police" that would stand in any and every eating area of the school and as soon as a flapjack becomes a triangular shape, they have permission to seize and destroy the weapon before any harm is done.
Also, just the last problem I have with this; I didn't learn too much from primary school. I learnt the basics, y'know- how to use scissors, colouring inside the lines (I was never good at that), the fact there was a difference between a zebra and a zebra (pronounced the American and British way, I genuinely thought they were completely different creatures that looked similar. That's what American television does to a young child)
and amongst this invaluable knowledge, I also learnt there were three corners on a triangle and in fact four on a square.
They think three corners were lethal, now they've just increased the number of corners to do damage by 33.3'%
Maybe the person who decided this just wants to achieve the Guinness world record for most court cases over flapjack-related incidents.
On a related note- A supermarket chain has been forced to remove 300 packets of peanuts from it's shelves because... get this... they didn't have "Warning: May Contain Nuts" written on them.
I can't sum this story up as well as Russel Howard can (Explicit, not one for when the younger sibling is around);
Running around eBay, I find all sorts of weird and wonderful things that no one else seems to want. This one though. This was possibly the best way to try and shift your unwanted shit that I've ever seen on eBay.
On a listing titled "Instant-Abs Abdominal exercise machine" there are the typical home-taken photos with over-exposing flash and then the description, which would usually include info about it's size, weight etc. But in this case...
Plants V Zombies (PopCap; Version 1.9.5)
Price: £0.69p
This is not going to be a review in the average sense. I am a massive fan of this game and do believe that anyone who owns an iPad, phone capable of playing this game or PC should play this game before they get too old to remember what a zombie is (Which nearly sums up all of the population who matter)
Plants Vs Zombies is a tower defence action
game that has won multiple awards for its damn fine everything. The game is quirky, very playable and will have you hooked within minutes. You play as the owner of a household being invaded by zombies with your only defence an army of wild and wonderful plants that shoot stuff.
In a massive range of levels, mini-games and adventures zombies are thrown at you with increasing difficulty and the aim is to keep them from stealing your brains and chowing down. The boss levels are hard enough to take more than one turn but not so difficult it'll have you wanting to stab yourself in the face with a compass.
The graphics are so easy to get on with for hours at a time, the animations smooth and suitable. The game is also "narrated" by the famous character "Crazy Dave". This guy is as says on the tin- pretty crazy. He will guide you through the game and every so often throw an extra mini-game in for you too keeping the game play varied and enjoyable throughout.
You can play a free demo of the game here, on the popcap website if you're not already taken- otherwise, for less than a pound you can keep everyone happy- ranging from the bouncing baby brat, up to grouchy grandma and the dog.
Some of you may have seen this before, but if you haven't go ahead and click on that link. I'm firstly sorry for any coursework you had to do before clicking and secondly--- "You're welcome"
With a similar concept to "Four Pics, One Word" but a little harder in my experience, this free app is a boredom buster of a mediocre standard. Although it runs well on my iPad 2, it has a fixed portrait orientation which can be annoying especially if, like me, a majority of apps have a landscape option (usually the default). My case also only allows comfortable gaming in a landscape position (not a problem everyone encounters if you have a 360 case like this).
The game isn't quite dripping in adverts but more dotted by them like genital warts. Gameplay has been thought through, though not original, but eventually it does get boring. You may find yourself only completing each level by 50% so to get onto the next and find a challenge, though one never comes. Overall the game may be a little more suited to younger ones. The three gameplay categories to choose from; 'Classic' (A bunch of random pictures), 'Animals' (From common to exotic) and 'Food and Cooking' (Tip: ask your mom for help) [Words there from the game itself.] do give the game some variety but the constant ease of all the levels is frustrating and keeps it from being a game to get hooked on. There is a small degree of persuasion to spend real money on coins that can be used to "reveal letters" or other such abilities [pay money to get money... whut] which essentially make a very easy game easier.
Bright, attractive look and bold, primary layout that's easy on the eye and something else that will appeal to children, until they realise that flicking bogies at their brothers and sisters is more fun. Or just a quick ten minute blast on Angry Birds.
Sorry, "Itch Mania", there was nothing 'manic' about your game, and like an itch, I just wanted it to go away.
I give this boredom-enhancing game a 1/5 Salt Rating.
There's a reason there was only ever 1 version of this game. Even for the age group it was intended, it was crap.
The graphics weren't bad, they're bright and colourful. The "model" has wide eyes without looking creepy or stoned and is fair to share company with for the 30 or so seconds it takes to play the game. I wish that was an exaggeration... it's not.
The game consists of you being told to use a shampoo, then being told to rinse it out, choose a style, cut and style the hair and then share it on Facebook. Sounds ultra-boring? It is, and there's no way of making it any better.
The shampoo doesn';t change, the "shower head" doesn't change... the only choice you get in the whole game is the hairstyle and it doesn't make it any more fun.
I downloaded this app for review because it was in the top "free app" chart. Whoever decided this app deserved that position needs a slap in the face. With a chair.
Even for children half my age and younger would get bored of this game faster than they could lose a penny up their tiny noses.
This unfinished concept needs a lot of work before it can be classed as a playable game.
When I signed up for university to do a degree in Primary School Education; this is exactly what I signed up for.
Paper macher robots, entry-level electronics and painting.
I got his china boots from poundland, they were to weigh him down and to give him suitable feet (You try making robust robot feet). I painted them grey and put a bit of glitter glue on them. My favourite part of his boots was the fact that the little "jet thrusters" on either boot come together in the middle into a "V" shape that matches the "V" in "Saver". I'm a genius (It was a cheeky accidental bonus)
His head was a paper mache-d balloon, his eyes- some plastic Easter eggs cut in half with holes in them (sticky-back plastic over the holes to give it a clean finish) His body was oven-mats pinned into place with paper clips and then heavily paper mache-d into the shape seen. The little orange button was another plastic half-egg placed over a hole in the body and the arms were a long cardboard tube halved, squashed and cut into hands at one end.
The lights were cheapy ones from poundland and were all powered by a USB pack on his back.
The Silent Age (House on Fire; version 1.2) This post-apocalyptic game will have you play through the first part in a day without stopping. The graphics are stunning, the actions are well thought-out, the story line is fast moving and engaging. Every thing's a massive mystery at the moment, the only things we do know is that, Joe, our character (who you play as) has been teleported into 2012 where everything appears to be dead, and you need to work out why. The guys who developed the game write the story like this;
"It’s 1972. Love is free. Flipflops, English leather and bandanas are
the height of fashion. Meanwhile the Cold War is more than lukewarm and a
real one is going on overseas. Movements are happening.
Environmentalists, the female liberties movement, and on the dance
floors an entirely different kind of movement is overtaking the
underground clubs. The winds of change are certainly blowing over the
country. Somewhere in the big city, in a tall, faceless government building
someone left a window open. All the winds of change are doing here is
blowing leaves all over Joe’s newly-swept floor. He’s been there for two
years now. Working a dead-end attendant job making sure the building is
as spotless as the suits walking the halls. It’s been like this for
years, going from one soul-devouring job to the next. Our protagonist is Joe in more than just name. He is quite literally
Joe Average. Average height, average weight, average IQ. In fact, the
only thing remotely remarkable about him is exactly how much he conforms
to the median of the hypothetical everyman, and up until this point,
Joe’s life hasn’t exactly been biography material. This is all about to
change. One morning while tending the floors, Joe is suddenly confronted by a
mysterious dying man who is seemingly appearing out of nowhere. The man
warns him that a terrible event is about to occur and pleads him to
save mankind. As the man draws his last breath, he hands Joe a portable
time travel device to aid him on his quest. It isn’t long before Joe activates the device and is confronted by
the truth. The mysterious man was right: 40 years into the future
mankind has become extinct. Stuck between a desolate future and a
present where he is largely ignored, it is now up to our accidental hero
to find out what has happened and how to prevent it in order to save
mankind."
I love the game, I love it's simplicity and the gameplay and how everything seems to be interactive with everything else! The first part is free, and the guys behind this genius kit are currently raising money for part 2! You can donate here.
I give this game a 4/5 salt rating:
This "Salt Rating" is a thing now. When I find something in need of a rate, I will give it something out of 5 Salts. 5 Being one of the best things in the world, 1 being... get out.
After 12 years of music churned out by our favourite dark haired lyrical genius' it has come to and end. Months before the release of Gerard Way's next instalment to the Umbrella Academy comic series, the band released the news through a blog post on their website;
A matter of weeks after their final part of "Conventional Weapons" had been released, the shocking news has wracked the Internet. I will miss them, as for me (as with many people of my generation) they were the first band I really got into. They were the first band I could devote to, could collect their albums and be part of a fandom.
I will miss their presence, but I hope whatever they do from here on out. Will we ever see their names again? I think so.
From this blog and all it's followers; I lost my fear of falling, I will be with you.
