Unturned: Golf Ranges, Lighthouses, Zombies and Unreachable Helicopters

From the PNMS-approved publisher Smartly Dressed Games, comes "Unturned" a minecraft-looking game with more zombies, less pigs and (some might say 'thankfully') no silver fish.

I've just finished playing this game for the first time (Free-to-play on Steam) and I had a bit of a blast. It takes some time getting used to the running and the getting eaten pretty quickly, but you eventually develop strategies and techniques and...

AIM FOR THE HEAD.

That's pretty much all you can do when there's a zombie eating your face-flesh... but as long as you keep your tiny centre-screen dot on their ugly little block-y faces when you're punching the ever-living crap out of them they usually fall down.
I played co-op mode with the hobo who insists on residing in my attic (I have tried legal action, turns out he has friends in high places... I ran out of money before I could even present his own excrement as 'exhibit A' in court...) and found it was pretty fun. Much less "co-op" than you may imagine, you spawn in different places and it's nearly impossible to find each other... Oh but when you do...

So you start as a naked, weapon-less creature in a world to zombies:

 NO I DIDN'T JUST SCREEN CAP IT KAII, get over it.

This was the first "squealing about everything" moment of the game. I CAN HAVE A CUTESIE FACE. LOOK AT IT OH GOD.
My little naked, chunky body that no one could find sexy with EXACTLY my hair style and a little kitty face. ADORABLE.

I spent the first few death/respawns running about the island and punching zombies to death. It took me until the fourth respawn that I really got the hang of it. Spawning just beside a lighthouse, I climbed the ladder and punched the zombie guarding the top right in the head so centrally that it

JUST DIED.

I then looted a PONCHO (Second "Squealing like a fangirl" moment). Wandering around in my newly-found apparel, whistling the tune from 'The Good, the Bad and the Ugly', I saw a helicopter on an island! I tried at least 50 god damned times to get to the damn thing. Could I reach it?! Could I commandeer the metal bird like a post-modern- part Mexican- Captain Jack?! NO. Lame. 

But it was fun trying.

After a few more friends decided they had nothing better to do with their 3Ghz of processing power, they joined us on the Minecraft-esque Zombie infested island and that's when things got pretty amazing. They both spawned in different places (as everyone does) but we managed to find each other within the hour, and someone brought a car. Piled in, we did. On a country drive, we went. PILEDROVE ALL THE DEAD BASTARDS WITH OUR BUMPER, DID...WE. We found an infested military base and a few towns that we CLAIMED AS OUR OWN. We made base-camp, I nearly died, we swapped clothes and weapons then started shooting each other. Just like best friends do best. 

I eventually looted a builder's hat and found myself a gun. Then I died and went to play Might and Magic.

Overall; good game, play with friends. NEVER TURN YOUR BACK. on anything. Ever (especially douchebag friends). The graphics are so simple they're adorable and always take every chance you have to take a car and go on lovely country drives. 

Country drives that consist mostly of MOWING DOWN THE UNDEAD.

Animals With Moustaches... Yep.

When I become leader of the world and own everything (United States of Eurasia and all that) I will fill the world with these beautiful animals. Some sourced from this rather crazy article from National Geographic who probably paid someone to find these creatures.

I am not getting paid to share them with you beautiful people. I believe these animals' moustaches should be part of everyone's lives. Indulge and enjoy.

Behind curtain number one, we have the rather beautiful monkey-goblin (Emperor Tamarin)

 I will call this little mustachioed peanut-eater, Sherlock. Imagine him in a tiny deerstalker. Go on do it.

Behind curtain number two! The rather beautiful moustache-fish (Leopard Cory catfish)

and finally... the most impressive of reveals and the biggest smelliest of curtains is reserved for the one and only;

Isn't he beautiful...? YES HE IS SHUTUP.
I love him. I think I may call him Keith. KEITH. If your name is Keith, don't take offence. Look into Keith's calm, tranquil eyes. Think of how happy Keith is wallowing in shit every day... without a care in the world or a bitch to worry him.

I think we should take a moment to try and model our lives more on Keith's. He has shit sorted. Look at him. He could be a piggy executive manager at some... pig... cooperation... or something. With a moustache like that and not many cares to his name, this bearded pig can achieve anything.

Be more like Keith.

:B

Is That All You Got You Pansies?

So I just came back from watching Sin City 2...

I was very, very scared for this movie back when everything was finalised and publicly released.

but I have good news.
I'm literally bouncing with excitement after seeing it and I'm so happy to report that you will love it.

Ultra fans and new-comers alike, the film is beautiful in every way. Sticking to the comics wonderfully, everyone should go and book a ticket now.

I'm serious. Get out of here and go and get your tickets. SRS. GET OUT. GO.

Marv, you tell 'em.

Mario, Luigi and Yoshi 'drive' Go-kart Repairman to Ragequit

When 'Robert' posted an ad on the internet offering his professional go-kart fixing skills (bet you can get a PhD in that, too...) little did he know that the internet is a fanciful place full of creative, imaginative beings!...

...with very little else to do than to prank advertisers.

In response to his advert he received a couple of different replies... all pictured below that really do speak for themselves.
Reply number 1 got the ball rolling: 

Reply number two continued in a wonderfully similar fashion:

and finally, response number three had me in close-man-tears:

Thank you, Internet. Once more, three of you have found something to waste 10 minutes of your life doing and have entertained the internet with your shenanigans. Nice moves.

:B

NOW PANIC AND FREAK OUT

EVERYONE RUN AROUND AND GRAB DEBIT CARDS AND THING STEAM HAS A SALE ON.

(Hi, btw)
Not just any sale, up to 80% off sale... I bagged a small fortune worth of games last night for just under £40... including:

 

BORDERLANDS: GAME OF THE YEAR EDITION

£4.99 

Includes all the DLC!

BORDERLANDS 2: GAME OF THE YEAR EDITION

£8.74

Includes all the DLC!

and finally; 

THE PRE-SEQUEL! 

£29.99

This sweet baby is on pre-order at the moment, but will be about £40 when it comes out, also- buy one of the other games above or have one in your library already and get this one for only £26.99. Mint.

I'm not sure why you're still reading at this point... I mean Steam is out there right now, just sat there with a stockpile (digital stockpile) of all your favourite games and all the best ones for ridiculous prices and you're sat here talking to me. Seriously. Get your ass up.

The sale lasts until the 25th, so don't bother waiting for payday- skip that mortgage repayment and tell your parents they can wait another month for that £30 they lent you last night to get slaughtered. You're going to need these games in your life.

As a wise old bum who lives in my attic once told me "Games aren't like buying food, they're the gift that keeps on giving."

So it's conclusive.

DON'T EAT JUST BUY GAMES.

:B

Lammily; The Barbie Suitable for Trainers, is Allowed to Like Food

So an inspired artist, graduate of Pittsburgh university has created a Barbie-type toy that has 'real' humanistic proportions.

She doesn't walk on her tiptoes!

Nickolay Lamm named the product "Lammily"... after himself (I would too if I could make a product) and has suggested it will help children stop seeing Barbie as the perfect, although humanly unattainable, figure.

Lammily is portrayed as a strong, independent female who is "Fit and strong".

I personally like the idea, I think it's really nice and yeah it might make the kids less self conscious about being stick-thin... I don't much like their tag line of "Average is Beautiful" just because of my physical phobia of "normal" and kids being led into trends, fashions and stereotypes through trying to be "normal" (I was always the weird kid at school, and damn proud. This is for you, glue-eaters) but I like this idea.

The main problem, is the kick starter is only asking for $95,000... which might sound like a lot- but to try and replace Barbie on the shelves that is churned out by Mattel, THE top toy manufacturer in the WORLD on 95 grand seems very unlikely.

So I wish it the best of luck, but I won't be investing, so I'm out.

:B

!!WIN!! PANDORA BRACELET or VIP NIGHT OUT IN ONE OF BATH'S TOP NIGHT CLUBS

Not my usual sort of thing on this blog, but a local company needed a hand getting this questionnaire filled out, so being the friendly neighbourhood salt-shaker I am, I was willing to lend one.

Calling all UK Southwest Females!

Fill out this very fast, easy questionnaire to be in with a chance to win a Pandora Bracelet or a VIP night out in one of Bath's Top Night Clubs!

Just comment with your answers or e-mail them directly (much safer) to;

emily.colebrook998@outlook.com

Thank you!  :B

42 Most Nutty People on Ebay (Currently)

"Parents, how many times have you had to break up an argument over a twig? A lot right? You try and offer your child a new twig, but what you don't understand is that like the Spice Girls each twig has it's own character and you can't just replace one with another twig."

This is the opening sentence to a genuine product (or range of) available on eBay at the moment. The description continues;

"Well on offer for you I have a set of six travel size twigs, each with a unique personality so you never have to come unstuck."

You didn't read that wrong. This is a genuine listing for a set of six twigs collected by some crazy nut who has then listed them on eBay. They started at the modest price of 99p and over 6 days, the price has soared to £62... through 42 bids. 

Watch out for those thorns on #5!

"It should be noted these twigs come from De Beauvoir Square, a part of London where a room in a shared house costs a minimum of £600 a month excluding bills, and a sandwich starts at £4.20, thus making these premium twigs and not everyday rubbish. Here are some dimensions...
Twig #1 24cm x 0.8cm
Twig #2 16.3cm x 1.3cm
Twig #3 14.8cm x 0.6cm
Twig #4 16.8cm x 1.7cm
Twig #5 21.5cm x 0.5cm (WARNING! this one is thorny)
Twig #6 15.7cm x 1cm

Ok for the sake of your children good luck, I only wish I had enough to sell you all."

So if you particularly fancy buying some upper class twigs with a bit of personality and literally have more money than sense- head over to the eBay page now and bid what you dare.
Boris-only-knows how much these sticks will get and whether or not it's a thing for charity...


:B

Sin City: A Dame To Kill For

So 22nd August this year will see the birth of the prequel of one of my favourite EVER films- Sin City....

The trailer was released a few days ago and I just don't know what to think of it. It's got SO much to live up to to be anywhere near the first film... but I'd love to know what a few of you lot think...

So am I looking forward to it? OF COURSE I AM.
Have my expectations already unrealistically high to the point of almost definite disappointment? DEFINITELY

For now, I shall continue to read and re-read the graphic novel until I have the plot so dug into my brain that every little line that isn't in the book will be a surprise and I'll be "that guy" who knows it frame for frame...

:B

A Post to You

Yep, you. This post is for you.



Just a massively cheesy thank you to all of you who have been coming by and saying hello and poking your heads around the door to check if anything new had gone up over the last few months... (You're all pretty salty, in my books)
Just come back from a pretty insane absence... but I am back! and I'm back with a passion. (or something poetic)

Here's something to kick off the more regular posts that will start pouring into this salty page. Here you are.

:B

Pleasing Mario

That moment when you just step out of the shower and hear the doorbell.

Thinking it was my beloved housemate, I begun my descent down the stairs in my towel. Half way down the stairs I hear a key being put in the door. "She had her key all the time, the lazy shit" I thought as I called out "oh, I was rushing and everything"

...just as my landlord lets himself in. "Oh... hi Paul..."
"oh, hi... I uh... Came to see about the leak?" He said, letting himself in, followed by a plumber who gave me a smile as if to say "you're naked under that towel" *creeper face*

I dart upstairs, I only want to get dressed at this point. Into my room, ACDC blaring loudly, I dropped my towel just in time to see the plumber and landlord climbing onto the extension roof... Right outside my window.

The plumber's suspicions were confirmed and I don't think I've ever moved that fast in the morning. Perhaps never.

I guess I'm getting dressed in the bathroom.

Practically the look the plumber gave me on the way out

The New YOLO and COOKIES

It's about time someone salted the pasta.

Found this on the Internet today... I don't know how accurate it is, but I will start using this.
I really hope this becomes a thing. Really, really hope.

I've recently been wasting an abnormal amount of my time on a game called "Cookie Clicker"
It's beautiful, it's compelling, it's motivating, it makes you feel good about yourself, it gives you something to do in between working, it sits in the background constantly progressing, it ruins your life, it makes your brain want to fall out, it runs your everything... it will take your very soul...

But seriously, go and play it.

Hello Kitty Gone Bad

So I got a new friend;

Her name is Harley (Like Harley Quinn from the Batman universe) and I will love her and hug her and squeeze her and love her.

I realise no salting has been done for more than is acceptable and I'll tell you for why. I went on holiday, I did.
I flew a golden eagle, I did.
I floated in a boat, I did.
I ate pancakes.

Pancakes. (Not bacon pancakes though)

Also this month;

=NEW DISCOVERY=*
(*This is not to become a thing)

The discovery of the century almost ensured to give you a coronary or heart failure. 

KFP! Kentucky Fried Pizza. Don't give me that judgemental look. 

Actually, you know what? Do. It's ruined every diet I could possibly imagine myself on.

You ever seen this;

It's literally like the gateway to fast-food heaven? KFC and Pizza Hut all in a very small area. This is how to play; KFP.

1. Find animal, mineral or vegetable (or clown) to go shopping with.
2. Find food court with both KFC and Pizza Hut.
3. Send peer, relative, friend or mortal enemy to KFC to pick up boneless banquet (x2... I told you you'd die from this)
4. Go and collect one individual size pizza for yourself and another for your companion.
5. Choose noshing area and both return to it.
6. Decorate that pizzery goodness in chickeny goodness and eat that shit 'till you weep grease.
Optional 7. Purchase chips from MacDonalds also in Foodcourt and really indulge.

(Not advised for individuals who suffer from; asthma, heart problems, back problems, Fast-food related phobias, vegetarianism, pregnancy, health-freakness or old age. Also not recommended for those wanting to live past the age of 30)

Whilst eating this beautiful array of artery-blocking power, across the food court from where we sat was a family. A Mother, the size of what I like to call a "Land Whale", another female who could have been partner or friend and four or five children all of primary school age being approached by what looked like police. 
Being British, I couldn't help but to be over-ly curious and very unsubtle about it, so listening in, they were being told off for encouraging their children to be truant. Also known as keeping your children out of school to take them to MacDonald's... This is when I noticed that the "police" in fact had "Truancy Police" written on their uniforms. 
Yeah, that's a thing now. They genuinely hire people to walk around in police outfits finding the parents who think it's OK to keep their children out of school and punishing them. Genius. I love it.

Also this month; This happened.

 This happened for dinner... AFTER lunching on KFP.
I am so happy to tell you I couldn't finish all this, but god damn right now it looks so tasty... 

and on that note. The best chat-up line I've heard this month.

Time for a Quickie, Gov'ner?

Just like a cheeky pee into a lake, this is going to be a quick salting of the pasta.

Firstly- just a shout out to the... rather large... handful of you lot who come to this blog EVERY day. Without fail. There's a good load of you who every day come to this page and check it out, read another post, share it and pass it on.
Without you lot, this whole blog malarkey wouldn't be half as rewarding, so thank you.

That's too romantic. You all smell like burnt toast.
There, balance restored.

Secondly (and lastly, there I go again with beginning a list expecting there to be a lot more on it than there is...) a man-child from the bath has started a blog and mentioned me, so I thought it was only fair if I mentioned him right back. Hit him up here, he might write some good stuff.

I'll have a word with him about his spelling.

Don't die out there.
Here take this;

Yeah, tauntaun sleeping bag. Cutesie? or just cutesie.

Why Do We Need School?

I've been teaching all this week and I have a couple of things I wanna get off my chest.

One.
This picture drives me insane.

I couldn't find anything to suggest this was a joke. Unfortunately, it seems to have disappeared from tumblr too... Interestingly.
I find everything it states really difficult to get on with. Morally and because, respectively; Youtube blocks a lot of very good music videos from being viewed within "certain zones"
You ever jogged on a wii? How many muscle-names did you learn?
If you're still watching Dora at 14/15, you should probably consider buying some new channels for your digital box.
The English one, I'm not even going to justify with any sort of humour. It's disgusting.
Calculators have their place, until you're caught without one. And not being able to do basic maths in your head will hinder your later life.
Where on earth sells globes now? (See what I did there)
and history, although I do believe we should split the history curriculum with a lesson on patriotism or "Future" and we learn what to expect to be seeing and learn how to use it, we learn from past mistakes. 

Secondly.
This video also drives me up the wall.

In no way can I argue with a lot of what this boy says, a lot of it is true.
The one main problem I have with this, is that he doesn't want exams to rule his life... but he can't pronounce the word "Asking"... That's what school's for, kids.
and I'm supposed to be part of the generation he's speaking for, and it makes me cringe.

Kill It Kid

Been browsing around a website I just found that discovers the music behind British adverts. Love that.

Found the name of a particularly cool piece off of a sky advert called "Run" by a group called "Kill it Kid"

I will be buying their album. That's how fast this happened. I think I have a new love in my life.

The first video is the advert I first heard them in and the second is the full song. Beautiful.

Roll on the Vanilla Ice-Cream

So. Cheeky bit of trivia for you this morning.

Beaver's anal gland excretion tastes like vanilla.

I'll give you a second to re-read that and process it for a minute. I'll wait.

Yep, this exudate is called "Castoreum" and because of it's... sweet... properties, it's used in flavouring vanilla ice-cream. Sexy.

According to Wikipedia (The Encyclopedia that is never wrong, of course) "castoreum is the yellowish secretion of the castor sac in combination with the beaver's urine"

So next time you munch your way into some vanilla ice-cream (and sickeningly, also some raspberry stuff too) just check the back of the packet for Castoreum.

and thank the beaver.

What do you mean "Milking season"? Where are you putting that hand?!

The "Eggstra" Factor. Britain's got "Smashing" Talent. An "Eggs-cellent" Performance...

Sitting at home, watching Britain's Got Talent (We all know it hasn't) the final and what should happen but an unwanted guest on stage of the act that came 3rd.

Natalie Holt, a former contestant on the show had held the personal vendetta for a full year before appearing again this year and pelting Simon Cowell with eggs from the stage. She grinned like a psycho and had quite the throw on her, to be fair. 

She even dressed for the occasion in a little black number.

Simon was reported to have had to change his shirt and after a cigarette was "Comforted by a female friend"... Best way to get over being egged; a fag and a quicky. Love it.

Anyway, the papers pretty much covered all of the best shots of it, here's one I nabbed, but do check out the links for any further info; 

Want a Tattoo But Afraid to Get Bored of the Thing? Problem Solved.

Tattoos are hard. They make you look hard.
You get them to look cool, to fit in, to show your love for a loved one (Not recommended unless married with children), you get them to remember an important event, to remember someone who's died, to flash off a witty slogan that tells people about you and mostly- you get them when you're drunk.

All of these different tattoos all have one thing in common that stop a lot of people from getting one; "What if I get bored of it after a few weeks?"
What if the day you decide to get a tattoo you are in love with Justin Bieber and then a few weeks after you see sense?
What if you ask for a tattoo of your baby and get this;

Well now some clever bastards have come up with a clever device to conquer these fears.
Introducing; The moodINQ Programmable Tattoo

With a pack that you can pick up for an astonishing $149.99 which includes;

 

What it doesn't mention here is also a list of the places licensed to sell and implant the magical patch under your skin for you too. Apparently they're everywhere.

I was going to make this a massively long post about how innovative it is, and how sensible and how I had never considered a tattoo before now, but I would totally go for this one.

Browse the links littered around this post and try and work out why I'm cutting it short and grumbling into my pasta.

Baby Badgers and Flapjacks

So I've just finished watching baby badgers on a live web cam feed. Adorable.

First, I want to lighten your mood with this;

Because I worry you might be looking at me with that look you do that means you're angry but too polite to say so.
But I'm not going to apologise. APOLOGIES ARE FOR THE WEAK. (I don't believe that)

Yep, so this happened. (Love the little heads up on the bottom of that photo.)
A kid decided to lob a triangular flapjack into another kid's eye and as a measure to protect future children from the murderous snacks, the school in question has made it against regulation to allow triangular flapjacks, they will now only serve square flapjacks.

I've heard the phrase "Health and safety has gone mad" but this is getting stupid now, guys.
Also- I'd like to know if anyone has sat down and told whoever made this earth-shattering decision that if a child breaks a square flapjack in half... it would make a triangular flapjack. To avoid this, of course, you could employ "Flapjack police" that would stand in any and every eating area of the school and as soon as a flapjack becomes a triangular shape, they have permission to seize and destroy the weapon before any harm is done.

Also, just the last problem I have with this; I didn't learn too much from primary school. I learnt the basics, y'know- how to use scissors, colouring inside the lines (I was never good at that), the fact there was a difference between a zebra and a zebra (pronounced the American and British way, I genuinely thought they were completely different creatures that looked similar. That's what American television does to a young child)

and amongst this invaluable knowledge, I also learnt there were three corners on a triangle and in fact four on a square.
They think three corners were lethal, now they've just increased the number of corners to do damage by 33.3'%

Maybe the person who decided this just wants to achieve the Guinness world record for most court cases over flapjack-related incidents.

On a related note- A supermarket chain has been forced to remove 300 packets of peanuts from it's shelves because... get this... they didn't have "Warning: May Contain Nuts" written on them.
I can't sum this story up as well as Russel Howard can (Explicit, not one for when the younger sibling is around);

:B