Lazy Post is Lazy. But Funny.

I found this on the internet the other day, whilst scanning. I am only posting things that make me genuinly laugh out loud. More story-like posts to come.
I apologise for the laziness of this post.

Evil, flying purple monkeys from space have stolen a segment of my brain and I'm trying to get it back...

On the upside, I went out drinking the other night. Did you know, if you pay for one pizza... you get two?
I don't know how that works either.

In other news: The new MUSE Album, 2nd Law?  Wonderful. Go and buy it immediately.

£1 Comics are the best, as is Steve, the comic book store owner. I don't usually like to use people's real names in my blog (You may have noticed; Goff, Clown, Plague-Girl, Cheekbone etc etc) but this guys' name is much too legendary to cover. Besides, he owns a comic book shop. Don't be jealous. Wait. Do. Do be jealous. (He has a friend who builds ironman costumes) be ENTIRELY jealous.

Peanut.

The Origins of "Amazeballs"

I always wondered where the term "Amazeballs" came from.

I guess now we now;

Thank You, Internet.

Not alot on the internet makes me properly "lol" laugh out loud anymore.

But this.

Oh god, this.

Growing A 'Tache to Help Cancer?

Two of my favourite things:

• Helping people with cancer and their families

• Growing moustaches.

My photography friend is doing just that. All at once.
I've donated some pennies and he'd REALLY appreciate it if you guys could help him out too.
Anything you can afford, from £100 to your left shoe would be fantastic. (Shoes not accepted as payment)

PLEASE CLICK HERE TO DONATE

I'm expecting him to look like this at the end of the month:


If you're like me and find it difficult to make your moustache seeds grow (Wrong skin-soil or something) then have one of these. I print out and wear a new one everyday, that way no one suspects it's fake.

Longleat- Possibly The Best Zoo in England, and The Most Expensive

Longleat.

What a magical place.

I'm going to go ahead and cut straight to the chase on this one.
[That took me a long time to write that line, I realised why. I was listening to Bon Jovi. *shudders*]

I was in Longleat with my family back in Summer. Y'know, the three days or so we had of sun this year. and on the way to see the Lions, the Clown I was with overheard a short conversation between a Mother and her (Probably 7-8 year old) Daughter. It ran sorta like this:

Daughter: "Mummy, where are the f***ing gorillas?"
Mother: "I don't know, Darling"

This...
This makes my soul want to weep on the inside. If I were to use a word like that when I was her age (Not that I even KNEW that word when I was that age) I would have at least got a sharp talking to, if not a slap.
I'm not about to go into whether it's politically or morally correct to hit children at a young age, I completely understand both sides of the argument and also know that bringing up anything political on here is always like sending invites to Internet trolls for a slumber party. Yeesh.

As a student studying how to be a teacher today, we were running over the reasons of why we all wanted to be teachers.
We all listed similar things; Rewarding, long holidays etc.

I said it was because I diss other people's kids so much about how badly behaved they are. I want to change that.

Well, that's come to the end of this post. Short, wasn't it?
So here's some photos from the day we went to Longleat:

Aren't I just the best photographer in the world? No. I'm not - but my camera, Brutus, is the best camera in the world. No argues.


To finish up here, I would like to draw your attention quickly to my friend, Cheekbone's blog. It's about hating 50 shades, so if you're one of them, and I know you're out there. and I know you read my blog. You dirty things.

Mr Bloom's Fantastic Vegetables

The other day, I was shopping in WHSmiths (As I do all the damn time) and when I say "The other day" I mean... about a month ago.
I spotted a magazine in the children's section (That's where all the cool kids browse) that was brightly coloured, full of shapes and big blod lettering, obviously there to attract little eyes.
It worked.
I was drawn to it like a magpie to a Shiny McShinington from Shiny town.

The magazine was produced by the BBC for the television programme, broadcast on the UK channel "Ceebeebies", "My Bloom's Nursery"
The magazine looked pretty amazing.

but what really got me was the prize on the front. All great magazines come with free stuff. And this free stuff was amazing. So amazing I bought the damn thing.

I've never taken drugs, I never want to. But if I was to take LSD- I can imagine THIS is exactly what I would see:

This... This is Mr Bloom. and his vegetables.
Yeah- they all have faces, your mind isn't playing games. On the front of the magazine came free, 3 inch plastic figures of all of those vegetables. However, these vegetables all looked MORE stoned than they do in that picture. They all have wonderful names too.
Obviously, I was very excited.

It got me thinking, though. The age of child that this is aimed at, is about the same age when I was watching Teletubbies. and even earlier than that: Sesame Street.

Most, if not all, my viewers should know what Sesame Street is. and if you don't... well- here goes.

The legendary programme was dreamed up by some cool guys called Joan Cooney and Loyd Morrisett. Not Jim Henson, as many think. Jim Henson, was the genius behind the Muppets- the puppets involved in the show to teach kids everywhere about counting, shapes--- and cookies.
This guy-will never die in the hearts of true 90s kids.
Not to be confused with this guy.

That is the cookie monster. He never really taught anything other than COOKIES ARE AMAZING.

The show was also home to more amazing characters: Bert and Ernie, the best friends, always presumed gay because they slept in the same bed... That rumour was quashed by the producers, after pointing out that actually, there are two seperate beds and they're not humans, they are puppets. They are just great friends.
Bert was my favourite. He collected paper clips and liked Pigeons. Isn't that just the best?! *Counts paperclips*

The days of Sesame Street on English Television at any decent time has long gone, and now we find ourselves with Mr Bloom up there along with In the Night Garden- equally trippy... not quite as educational.

and as a last little note, I want to remember my favourite television programme when I was a little trog (As opposed to a big trog...)


Along with my favourite character who only ever appeared in one episode:













And the most scary characters ever to come out of television can also be blamed on the Teletubbies:
Watch this first without sound, and watch the subtitles to be freaked out. Then- if you don't want to sleep for weeks; watch it with sound.

Thank you, and Sleep Tight.

BATMAN LIVES

Hello my friends, internet trolls and anyone else fortunate enough to stumble upon my wonderous blog.

I became a student 3 weeks ago, and I haven't had internet for those weeks. So I do heavily apologise for not posting since then.
However. That nonsense can all come to a stop now! (Not all the nonsense, a lot of the nonsense is welcomed) because now I am a proud owner of 78Mb internet. Yum.
and 1000 channels on the tele. Doctor Who and Family Guy all round, I think.

Let me explain my title a little. I don't usuall, how novel.
I have been roughly counting since a few weeks ago, and so far- about 13 people on the university campus genuinly don't know my actual name. They know me as Batman, just as Batman. Not as anything else. I am stored in their phonebooks at Batman and when they address me, they only know to address me as Batman.
I think this is a win.

Student Cooking is not all it's cracked up to be. The first week, I lived off of the shopping my Mother helpfully did for me before I came down, the second week was a mixture of the food I had already and new stuff I had bought.
Suddenly. Something happend and it scared me.
I got this weird feeling that went on for a few days.
A feeling I've never felt before. and the feeling deepend when I came near the fruit and veg counter in Sainsburys.

I was genuinly missing fresh fruit and vegetables.

I thought "What is wrong with me?!" but none-the-less, I had to fix this issue. I went to the SPAR corner shop and went to buy some grapes.
Until you're on a strict diet of "NOT SPENDING MONEY" you don't ever think that £4 is horribly extortionate for a bunch of grapes.

Recently, however. I made this delight:

When you're a student, you eat out of saucepans to reduce washing up. That there is pasta with leeks and bacon. A good helping of bacon (4 rashers).
One day, bacon will be our currency. When the world is under my rule, and the world is right.





A few days later (Still this week, the only week I've become experimental and the gas cooker hasn't tried to kill me) I made this:

"This" is a sandwhich. believe it or not.
Consisting of a crap-tonne of salad (to quench my strange vegetable hunger), 6 rashers of cooked bacon and halloumi cheese, and some mayonaise. All on bread. It was so good. Considering I didn't have anything to eat the first part of the day, I had this at about 3pm, I haven't been hungry since :3

I think that just about does it for a "welcome back" post. Expect more. I have another story already, but this one is pretty long o_o

Goodbye, and thanks for all the pasta. With salt.

Willy Wonka Is Badass.

I'm not talking about the new Willy Wonka. I love Johnny's representation of the Wonka-nator but old-school Wonka is just... the shizz.

I love him so much.
When I was younger, I always had my mum fast foward it to the bit when he comes out the factory. Yeah- past the entirity of the beginning of the film. I don't care much for "scene setting"

There you go. That's when I started the video.

In Other News

Only 2 more days (Including today) left before I leave O_O Scared, much.

I just ate a union jack chocolate lolly. You know what it tasted like? Of course you don't, only me and my father do. Yeah, I gave one to my Dad because he's pretty ace. You jelly? You should be.
It tasted like advent calendar chocolate. And that makes me pretty excited. About Christmas.

Wow. That was short.
Always end on a joke...

OH GOD I CAN'T THINK

Real-Life Pop-Up Pirate

So less than a week before I move out.
Less than a week before I have to deal without internet until I get it sorted... I'm sorta hoping the people who are living there have thought about it already. I don't think they have...






Thank you Plague Girl for sending me this: 

That little rabbit has it going on. You know what I want more than the rabbit? The tiny trolley. I have a thing for miniature versions of real-life things.
I squeel over Dolls' houses. Like, the big impressive proper ones that are worth thousands. Those ones.
They have tiny pork pies and they make me swoon.

I don't like rabbits much. If you make them a hutch, they still spend all their time trying to find a way out of it...
They kick too. And bite.
and no, I wasn't trying to eat it.

In other news.
I went to the pub last night with my colleagues from work to say goodbye :'( *cries*
I had an amazing night thanks to all of the wonderful people who turned up :3
In the pub we were at--- there were decorative barrels placed outside, acting as tables/ash trays. A friend, who will we know as Bat-Nav (He has his sat-nav set so that the little car on the screen is the freaking batmobile. I have the best friends.) suggested just how awesome it would be if said barrels were actually giant pop-up pirates.

Set the scene.
A drunkered, he's been mouthing off to the staff and anyone who walks past all night and he decides that the barrel is the best place for his tush to sit.
He falls asleep on the barrel, against the wall and the fun begins.
Two teams take different coloured plastic cutlasses and stick them into predetermined holes in the barrel.
When a plastic cutlass is put into the right hole.
KAPLOW

Airborne Drunkered. Problems solved.


This practice exists. Not quite with drunkerds. Asians instead.

Old McDonald Had a Farm...

This picture made my day today. It made me laugh probably more than it should have.

The more you look, the funnier it gets.

Just a Basic Rule.

I Touched Derek Landy. No Jokes.

Yesterday, I spent between 7pm and 11:20pm at Waterstones in Guildford meeting the genius behind Skullduggery Pleasant, Derek Landy.

The demi-god himself gave a really lengthy chat about himself. It was wonderful.

The only downside was the fact that I had to share my personal space with about 60 12-13 year olds. Me and The Clown I went with were the oldest ones there who didn't have children.

You'll see from the next pictures. I went in my ankle-length trench.
I'm pretty sure I heard one of the boy-children sitting near me ask his father "Daddy, is that what Death looks like?" and he just replied "Yes, Son. Yes it is"

See? Proof. I touched him.

and I swear I wasn't holding a gun to the back of his neck either o-o



This next picture was taken for the bum who lives in my attic. I'm not sure why I do so much for that guy... I don't particularly like him up there. He keeps tampering with the light fittings which make them cover me in electrical confetti when I turn on the ceiling-lights. I know it's him because every time it happens, you can hear feint laughter from above.

Anyway, he asked (On a paper aeroplane) for a photograph of my fist-bumping the man. So here it is:

Look at how cool we are.

So the last thing I wanted to draw your attention to was the fact that me and the clown were on Waterstone's twitter feed because we were the last fans to wait.

Hamlet

I'd like to dedicate this post to the bum that lives in my attic and occasionally throws down a cassette with a good piece of music on it or a post-it with some weird advice on it.

I wonder if he ever /did/ fix his Dolphin's watch.

This one's for you- you crazy bastard.

Apple Iphone 5 *Barfs* Sorry, I Can't Say That Without Throwing Up.

I am an apple hater. Sorry.
Not a true Apple Hater- I use an iPod. But iphones, macs, tablets etc. Make me sick.

Long live Android.

Oh Lord, 6 Days, a Tonne of Brain Vomit and Global Warming Roasted.

6 Days until I move out of the family home and go and be myself in a house without my mummy.
Oh. Lord.

I have to cook, clean and try not to get ill all by myself. Oh lord.
I think I've nearly finished packing just today. Got the rest of the loose "Stuff" into bags so when the day comes, I can throw it into the car and just go.

Yesterday, I was routing around in my room looking for other bits to take with me and I found a piece of creative writing I did a few years ago about global warming.

This is what I had the balls to present to my tutor:

"So scientists have us all running around like headless chickens over the weather? It hardly sounds like anaything to be worried about, does it? Warmer summers and colder winters? I say "roll out the suntan lotion and bring on the blankets!"

Tree huggers and environmentalists are choosing now to have a go at us all for using too much energy and producing too much green house gas, but if this is really going to end the world and we're all going to die simply because a few of us leave our lights on when we go out, why didn't we see it coming? and why- with all of these "Advances in technology" that keep popping up, can we not tell how to fit is lickety-split? I think these scientists are making a hefty profit over something they don't truly know about. So yes, they've been doing research and noticed that "as the population has grown, so has the number of cars and so has the amount of CO2 in our atmosphere..." It seems quite obvious to me that it has come a little late...
If we "act" now (Whatever that means) in the proposed ways we would only make things more difficult for everyone and thus make their lives more miserable.

Should we really be punished for having fun and trying to make the most of our lives? (Again, if they can look that far forward why were we not warned about this bio-apocolypse) by which time most of the government will be dead and buried. Where they should be, if you ask me.
Let's look at a very recent way which Government is trying to cut down landfill sites. Recycling bins at every home.
Ok, one green box for cans and a big black ordinary rubbish bin for everything else.
Right, now a purple one as well for cardboard?
And, I don't know about anyone else, but I have other, better things to do with my life than sit and tear the windows out of my envelopes.

Oh and now there's a new one! A pretty turquoise one for cooked and uncooked food. But it has a buddy too! One little silver one to sit and stink-up your kitchen whilst your festering food is waiting to be colelcted. A fail to the Government on that one, I think...

So "Friends of the Earth", You propose with enough support you can bring laws in to reduce carbon emmissions and stop climate change/ But hang on, you already know what carbon emissions are linked to... So will I have to start walking the 2.7 miles between my house and school every morning or will my teachers have to cycle to work at 5:30am?

I don't think this is fair, do you? That we, the good innocent people , should now have to suffer for the resources we used without thinking because we thought (Stupidly, clearly) that that's what Government were paid way-too-many pounds a year to tell us?! Should it be our problem? Is that selfish? Maybe it is, but if life isn't for enjoying to the best of your ability, which may include leaving your phone on charge over-night, they what is it for?

Let's stand together, as a unied nation. Don't pay me £3 a month to pass some more rules that will make our lives hell. Continue to live your life as you were before "Climate Change", before we were all in fear of dying from leaving our teles on standby and have fun!
Because life is too short to have time wasted tearing windows out of envelopes. Life is too short to have time owed to you by old men in suits who get paid too much to drink whisky, have affairs with their PAs and claim money on a house they don't even live in (Don't get me started on that)

So as they say in the military (Another story, for another time)

As you were, men!

P.S I blame it all on the farting cows. Bloody methane machines."


So apparently, me a few years ago had no real idea of what was going on, but appreciated that tearing windows out of envelopes was a waste of time. Wonderful.

Oh My Broken Tractor [OMBT] 100 Posts..

 Oh my goodness. 100 Posts. In such short time. Someone fetch me some alcohol to celebrate. and bacon! and pasta! You better salt that pasta well, or we're going to have words.

Maths + Hammer = Happy Goat

What happens if you take one of these: 


And add a hammer, some pliers, a screwdriver and about an hour?

Yeah.

This.

I.. like to take things apart... Not because I'm destructive (much) but because I like to find out how things work. Similar things have happened in my house to DVD players, a video player and laptops.
I can never put them back together.

Oh and the same thing happened to Hannah Montana. Since I'm not, by law, allowed to deconstruct her in person. I did the closest thing I could think of.

This thing used to play a clip of one of her songs... It doesn't any more.

I don't like Miley Cyrus.


Can you tell..?

I'll Go Ahead and Leave This Here...

This just made my day.

The Importance of Eating Bacon

Bacon. Bacon is the most imortant thing to remember just after "Don't get shot" which stands after "Don't touch bats"
Seriously, this guy told me that once. It's a pretty important lesson.