Homeless People Get Rights to Live in My House? What?

So today I overheard the radio talking (I'm actually Dumbo, I can't help it- You try ignoring things with ears like this) about the laws that have been crunched (Abolished) that said essentially homeless people could live in your house.

I didn't know that these laws EVER existed but now I do... WHAT.

That's a horrible idea! I heard lots of horrible stories about people going on holiday and coming back to find that they had squatters eating their food and using their toothbrushes to clean their feet. Ok they didn't say that, but I thought it and it probably happened.

The ONLY people they could find to stick up for the homeless was one homeless squatter (Who probably ate her own weight in, and was very grateful for, the complimentary biscuits in Radio 2's greenroom) and a woman who works for a homeless charity.

The homeless woman worked as some sort of "poet".. on the streets of London and used the excuse that her job was very "Unpredictable" and that her income was the same so she couldn't afford to live in a fixed accomodation (Fixed, clearly meaning belonging to her)

To be honest, get a proper job. You are a homeless bum and you shouldn't have the right to, nor should anyone have the right to, live in anyone elses home that they haven't given permission to do so. If you have permission, you are a guest and that is perfectly fine. If you are a lodger, you should have a contract. The subject did crop up that now these laws have been abolished, what happens if;

You are a lodger. Before you moved in, you were good friends with the landlord and he lets you move in for minimal money. One day, you use his toothbrush by accident when you come in late one night.... You forget to tell him and the next morning he finds some debris that clearly isn't from his mouth... He calls the police and tells them you're a squatter that he has found living in his property and wants you removed and arrested. It has nothing to do with your lodging, it was because of the toothbrush. You know that some people are like that...

So what would you do?
Well, much like the difference between Bear Grylls and Ray Mears. Bear Grylls is all about getting out of crazy situations if you do shit wrong. You do not want to aspire to be Bear Grylls.
Ray Mears shows you ways of staying OUT of said ridiculous situations. You want to do things the Ray-Way.

HAVE A CONTRACT. ALWAYS.
If you're lodging, no matter how friendly you are with the landlord, ALWAYS have a contract. Then they can't kick you out because of the poo you left on your pants that they then found tucked in the sofa whilst looking for the tele buttons.

Consider you all warned. Luckily, it looks as though finally, the government are on the home-owners side when it comes to homeless living in your house. They will lock them up and demand they get a job and stop trying to live for free.

To be honest. If they're homeless... they should love jail... Free food, lighting, bed. What more could you want? Squat away, peeps.

Jody Cundy Disqualified, is not a Happy Bunny

Jody Cundy, a paralympics athlete competing in the cycling was denied a re-start after he "fell out" of the gate at the beginning.

He blames it on the "F*cking gate not opening" and claims that the judges were "Ruining his life"

See the tantrum here:

I do feel sorry for him, but there was no need to take it out on the water bottle (See 0:27) Poor water bottle. He threw him to the ground unfairly. He was all for the re-start.

There's no way they'll accept that water bottle in the olympics again. Not after that damage. And he blames others for "Ruining his life"?

I do feel sorry for the guy, putting so much training into something so big... I'm glad he had a friend there who seemed to care, and yes, it would have cut deep. But hey, there's always the next olympics.

Or get a less demanding job...
I'm pretty sure he felt similar to this pudding.

He Had The Same Shoes As Me!

I popped up to the Glopho office yesterday to go and see the "gang" (They're much too classy to be called homees, but let's role with that for now) and nearly missed lunch because of the sudden conversation that grew from the great over-see-er in the corner about tax, taxes and why the tax system sucks.

It boiled down to the fact that I want to ram him, Jeremy Kyle and Boris Johnson in a room, get them pissed and then get them to fix the country because frankly, after they're done- we'll all be rich and big companies (Google came up a lot) will be paying all of the tax because they can afford to and us lot can't.

He made a good example of where the tax system fails, actually and that is an old woman who has lived in Chiswick, London for the last 35 years in the same house bought it when it was very affordable. Since living there, because of the changes that have gone on around her, the house is now worth a whopping 2mil and just because of that, that'll mean she's paying more tax.

Ridiculous.

Lots of people would say "Well, sell the house and then you can afford tax" She's on a teacher's pension at the moment so taxes effect her as much as they do us.
She shouldn't have to leave the house she's lived in for years, the house she shared with her  husband who then became "late" (Never understood the term when someone's "late" means to be dead... I did actually look it up once and it's literally just because we're SO British, we can't stand saying someone's "Dead" it's better to say they're "late"... it's softer I think. We're such a sensitive bunch...) She has family and friends where she is and it's just unreasonable she should be made to pay more. Yes, she has assets, but "They're not liquifiable" Over-see-er said. It's not her fault that her house is worth a lot.

It's also come to my attention that dying has become one of the most expensive things to do--- in your... uh... life...?
£4,000 for the average funeral these days. Cheesus.
[Whilst looking for those links littered above, I found this one, might be worth a morbid chuckle: 5 Most Expensive Funerals in the World]

Well that was all very new-sy. One more new-sy one today [I've been listening to the radio, can you tell?] and the name of this blog was from the train journey home last night. I was sat on the floor of the train due to lack of seats opposite a man I'd never met before and he had stolen my shoes [He was wearing the same ones as me] I mean. How dare he.

                                                                 ^My shoe   ^Dirty Bastard's shoe
I was a bit of a stalker and took these without his permission. But let me tell you this:

Top 5 Misconceptions: Being British

This video was thrust into my hands on VHS by some crazy homeless bastard who screamed at me that his dolphin's watch was wrong and he didn't know what to do.

I have the best life.

The VHS got chewed to bits in my VHS player that I haven't used in years (Don't you hate it when that happens?) Luckily, I found the same clip on youtube.

So here you are, peoples.

We shall all learn things. Even those British among you. (Yes, it took a little while to colour that. The things I do for you.)

Also.

Been listening to this beauty on repeat for the last hour. It's been driving me insane from PURE AWESOME.

Click here to have your ears massaged by an orangutang that could tear your head off at any minute. It's that sort of feeling you get listening to this music. You feel cool.


Happy 100th Birthday to E.M Purcell. This is the man who independently discovered nuclear magnetic resonance in liquids and solids. Yeah. Bit of knowledge for you all there.

Monster You Want to Cuddle and Apple Loses. Sort of.

Rawr.

These are just cute-sy.
They are called "Noodolls" and they're just the best.











Yes, that mouse is wearing glasses and a top hat. Nice moustache.


I want one. You can get them from here. 
They're not inexpensive, but they're cute. So cute, I think christmas presents are sorted.

IF YOU BUY ME ONE I'LL BE YOUR BEST FRIEND.
You can get stuffies of them and keyrings (See top) and gadget holders ^^

My sexy nun friend has one and I only saw it at Plague-Girl's Birthday Meal. I thought it was beautiful. So much I might steal it.

She has this one: 

In other news!

The apple-Samsung war has been happening under my feet (Over in America) and being an Apple Hater, I've been shouting angry words at apple at my tele screen whenever the newsreader's talked about it. 

Unfortunately, the court has found Samsung guilty of "Copying" Apple's products, which I think is ri-dunkulous. But hey, this'll make Samsung lovers giggle with smug-ness.

A study has shown that since the guilty charge has been passed, sales of Galaxy SIII's have shot up. They say it might be because Americans are frightened the phone will  be banned, but I definitely think that it's a giant middle finger to Apple and their crazy-all-white products that break and don't work (I'm typing on a mac, hoping it won't blow up typing those words...)

Read the whole story and where the study was done here. 

That lady on the front of that page after the link scares the living bejeebas out of me. She is properly terrifying. She looks like she's just ended a badly-lost argument with a boyfriend. 

Girlfriend: "If you don't tell me I'm right, this apple is poisoned and I'll bite into it and you'll have my death on your conscience forever"

Boyfriend: "But... You really DO have the load the disc in shiny side down, or it doesn't work!"

Girlfriend: *NOM* -See picture on article page for her next expression-

Plague Girl is 18

Happy Birthday, Plague Girl. I know it's late, but still- Here's a blogg-y happy birthday.

She took a load of people she puts up with that she calls "Friends" to Laser Quest, and let's face it, there's nothing more fun than shooting class 2 lasers at your mates over and over casually attempting to blind them.

She then chose a lucky 5 of us to join her at an Indian restaurant for a Birthday Meal. The staff really made it quite special. They decorated the table and were all very happy to see us.

Now, I thinking, "They have gin behind the bar, they'll know what gin and orange is" ordered my usual, to be greeted by this:

That is HALF A GLASS full of gin and a tiny teeny bottle of orange.
I felt quite tipsy after chugging that. It was hard, but someone had to do it.

Also; for the end of the meal on the menu was listed a "Punky"

This beauty made the day so perfect:

This is a punky. A Penguin filled with icecream. I got to keep the penguin. He is lovely. He's coming to university with me.

Yay. Penguin friend.

Do All My Meals Look Like or Sound Like Something Rude?

Is it a bird? Is it a plane? Is it Superman? Well-- maybe a part of Superman...

Nah, Jokes. It's my lunch :D Frankfurters are the strangest and one of the most fabulous foods ever. When I work at Christmas (117 Days, 10 Hours and 6 Minutes, but who's counting?) I chow down every lunch time on a frankfurter hot dog that get sold on a little stall just outside WHSmith's front door. Yum.
He serves them with this melted cheese sauce and it's OH AMAZING (Feel those calories warm you up)

:BRAIN VOMIT:

So I've suddenly been thrown into a world that I have to be a grown up. I was offered an unconditional offer to Bath Spa University and have to move up there to study. The uni's own halls of residence were completely full up so I had 3 weeks to suddenly find somewhere to live (See photo)

I spent the first day back from holiday looking on renting sites and somehow managed to set up 3 different viewings for yesterday.
After a lot of messing around with pushy landlords, dingy student pads and a few people not picking up the phone, we were about to call it a day when I found a final ad for a shared household in an 8 bedroom house.
As soon as I stepped in the door I loved it.

More pictures of the inside soon, but outside:

It doesn't make it look too stunning, but trust me- she is.

:Here Endeth the Vomit de Brain: 

This, ladies and gentlemen, is the newest invention I've come across. On the train back from Bath Spa there were Teles stuck to the back of each and every chair!

I was so excited. Until I realised that to use most of the functions, you have to have a pair of headphones, which I did not have. But for those of us who are idiots and didn't remember them (or are too old to know what headphones are) there is the "moving map" option. This is literally Satnav taped to the chair infront, but it was pretty entertaining. I think I'm just easily-entertained. Luckily, the British-transport Policeman sitting next to me found it equally as interesting to sit and stare at. 

 

This is a tiny pickle I recieved on top of the burger I got today in a pub. It made me smile. Quite a lot. 

I didn't eat the bugger.

I hate pickles.

 But I like to laugh at them.

Centre Parcs Longleat Forest

This BlogPost is a severe mixup of; a tripadvisor review of Longleat Forest, Brain Vomit and a review of my wonderful holiday. I shall try to make it as wonderful as I can.

Got up at silly-o-clock in the morning because I was feeling that tingly excitement everyone does just before anyone goes on holiday does :D Got up, drove down to the park and was greeted by fantastically wonderful, smiley staff. Either they've all got the "I'm at work, but I have to pretend I love it" grin down to a T or they genuinly love their jobs. We did have to pootle around a bit to find our cabin as the signs weren't crystal clear, but we found it within 5/10 minutes. The cabin itself was emmaculate on the inside, very clean, very welcoming. No signs of anyone being in there previously at all- which is something I like to feel. Don't like the idea of other people's bacteria mingling with my own.
After conducting my own brief "Four in a Bed"-like inspection. Everything was pretty top notch cleanliness-wise. Even the shelf with the tele on that was right up by the cieling was dusted. Wonderful.

Visiting the toilet upon my arrival however posed the first problem. The bathroom was pretty small, which was alright only having the two of us to share it- but the design didn't seem terribly thought out. The toilet was crammed into the corner snug next to the shower with the towel rail on the right hand wall. This did mean that unless you mounted the toilet at a diagonal angle, you either froze or burnt yourself on said towel rail. The tap was wobbly and the mirror wasn't anti-fog which did mean if the other half was in the shower, the mirror was out-of-bounds until 10 minutes after they were done. The only other problem I encountered in the bathroom was the shower. Nearly everything about it, unfortunately. The temperature was impossible to get right- kept freezing and then boiling, the shower head itself was so harshly pressurised, the damn thing HURT and the tap-like device to turn it on and off was iffy and needed quite the coax to go in the right position...
On the upside, the towel rail dried swimming-wear VERY efficiently so that it's ready to wear the next day if you leave it for one night.

On the subject of swimming: The Pool.
It was pretty fantastic, to be honest. It was clean, didn't have an overwhelming smell of chlorine- which is good if you know what that smell actually is... (Can't remember who told me that, but they said "Chlorine is actually odourless, the smell at swimming pools is feacal matter reacting with the chlorine" Ew.) There were no floaters or failed tampons bobbing about and not many unaccompanied children. So few whistles, it felt like the lifeguards weren't even there- which is a good thing, but there were a lot on duty every night all the way up until 9pm when they closed the pool to public. The rapids are one of the best bits. A series of woosh-y slides that woosh you down pretty fast ^^ The slides (apparently, I was too pussy) were fun and thus, the visit was all very good. I went three times during the week and felt like I'd had a decent work out each time. The showers were very helpful too (because mine was so shocking, it was nice to wash my hair without being hurt)

Other activities that were wonderful:
Longhorn Western Horse Riding; well organised, lovely horses, well instructed, felt safe but with a decent amount of control in the horse.
Kayaking; easy to book, got six of the family into one katakanu and me in a single kayak. Very tiring, but a great workout.
Badminton; courts very clean, spacious and well priced.
Adventure Golf; Pretty over-priced but still amazing fun.
Falconry; Just. Straight out wonderful. I got to fly a Harris Hawk, a Golden Eagle and a Peregrin falcon. Fantastic. Well priced, very educational and very well run. Loved it.

Extra bits. The "Maid" service... Well- it was punctual and efficient but they weren't as--- extensive as I would have hoped [No, I wasn't expecting a strip-o-gram included] but they didn't make the beds every day and I got no little choccy :(

This holiday was--- just amazing. The hills on the bikes were hard going and I'm definitely feeling now I'm home but seriously. If you get the chance. Do it. The shops are great, the atmosphere is great, the other people there are majoritively awesome and the staff deserve gold medals all round. Wicked.

A Goat in a Boat

OH LORD.
Physical Exercise. What.

I would also like to show you all this:

This is a wine decanter in the shape of the four main heart chambers. I love it so much.

and those
<--------

Those are maltesers. You know why? BECAUSE MALTESERS.

That's why.


Love you all.

MWAH.

Not sure why I did that. Won't do it again.

The Customers of WHSmiths

 Firstly; A diddy apology for not writing in so long. I know I suck. I've been on holiday. Everyone needs holidays.

I would like to dedicate this blog post to two people. Two people we, at smiths, like to call "Five-to Guy" and "Slow-mo"

I have been a modest saturday girl at WHSmiths the UK Stationers now for just under 3 years. When you work in a retail post (A "shop" to common folk) for so long, you start to recognise certain characters popping in nearly every week, at roughly the same time. There are some people you wait for and are lovely to see every week, and then, like one of the characters you are going to meet in this post, there are some which we like to hide from and let the other, more ballsy among us serve.

The first person I would like to introduce you to is Five-To guy. This man, dressed in black trousers, black boots, black t-shirt and black jacket. Comes---- there's no better word for it other than "bumbling"- in at five to six, five minutes before we close, reads a magazine, a book from upstairs and then leaves at six on the dot. His hair is floppy, his shoes are always pristine and he always manages to get everything done in five minutes. No one's ever spoken to him, no one knows his name. But we appreciate you, five-to guy. We love you. In a way. in a--- detached way. In maybe the same way an old lady appreciates the woodpecker that comes into her garden over the summer months and then dies. You'd be missed for a few weeks, and then forgotten about. Brought up in conversation a few times when the opportunity came up, but other than that...

The second person this blog post is dedicated to is to a customer who isn't known well for her constant presence, not for her spot-on timing or even for the seeming lack of money she spends in store in relation to how long she spends in there. But for the way she does her shopping. Slow Mo is a rather special character and she's always accompanied by her equally challenged--- handler. She does look very happy with herself all the time. Her bubble seems so pleasant. She waddles in, usually, dangerously close to closing time and always heads straight (Very slowly) to the magazines. She walks... pads... edges... at snails pace. Everywhere. She's not old, so it's not athiritis. She just must prefer to take her time to enjoy the--- stationery scenery. She can spend an easy ten minutes looking at one child's magazine before eventually deciding that's the wrong one and move on to the next. Sometimes I wish I could live my life in such a content bubble.
We haven't seen you in a while, Slow Mo- so do come back. We miss you.

The next person--- I couldn't dedicate this post to becase she deserves very little at all. She is nicknamed--- "FD" or "Female Dog" for obvious reasons.
She is foul to us. She has her favourite staff members (Sean, here's looking at you, buddy) but everyone else is scum to her. She swears, she throws things, she's impatient. Everything you don't want your customer to be like. She's it. She's also very old-looking. I'm sure she'll die soon.

The last two people are regulars on a Saturday and they're just lovely. So quick shout out to the Mother who brings her small ginger boy-child in who is usually very active and beeps everything on the self-serve himself. Cute.
and another to the little mature lady who comes in every week; buys a stack-load of magazines and a bag-for-life and is always so happy to see us :D

:DISCLAIMER:

None of the views expressed in this blog post are the same or similar in any way to those held by WHSmiths the company. They are my own personal views completely and any upset caused by these views can be taken out with me. 

[I will tell you to go away and grow a pair, but you can try if you like]

The New World Of Warcraft Theatrical Trailer

I didn't want to spoil my oppinion of this in the title.

World of Warcraft- the game that would scare a girl more if her boyfriend said he played it than it would if he tried to take a shit while she was in the shower. and flush.

It's been over-succesful because England is chuck-full of lonely basement-bound geeks who have nothing better to do than to learn Elvish, eat pizza, play on the internet and look at the odd pair of boobies.

This new expansion pack has been titled "Mists of Pandaria"
Yes. It's exactly what it sounds like. 

Can someone PLEASE explain to me why on EARTH they chose, out of any film, Kung Fu Panda to base their new expansion on?!

It's got everything. It's got the fat panda, the blossom blowing in the wind, the "Fighting for food is worth it"

In the scene after the video finishes, he goes home to his adoptive father who happens to be a goose.

"No kungfupanda!" I hear Blizzard entertainment shout.

"ALL the kungfupanda" is my only response.

"and so it begins..."

This is a video explaining the process of simulating an actual human's face to be cloned and placed onto a robot so that it looks and acts exactly the way that human's does.

It creeped me out a bit. How long until the films we watch aren't even the real actors anymore.

What Makes Me Happier Than Anything?

CUPCAKES

Chocolate ones.

Below are Before and After shots of what happend Tuesday night.

Yes that's the whole box. Problem?

The Hair That Went Away.

Yeah, That's me. With very little hair left after the hackers--- sorry, haircutters took it yesterday.

I've had great fun with everyone who has seen me and said "OMG You've had a hair cut!"

I took that opportunity to suddenly look appalled, grab the ends of my hair and shout "OH GOD WHAT HAPPENED?!"




Got my most recent package through today from miniinthebox.com ^^
Three watches that WORK for £12. Not. Bad. and I love them. I will post pictures of all of them as time goes on, but for now here's the one I wore today:

It's pretty. It's functional. It's comfy and it was darn cheap (Less than £5).

Couldn't have asked for more.










In Other News: Jameson's Whisky dominos are cool and one is NEVER too old to play in a play house.

That play house was awesome. It had a kitchen in one side and a work shop in the other. Nothing like mixed-gender play. Shut up, I'm not sexist. Much. It doesn't count when I'm sexist towards female.

This blog is very picture-heavy isn't it. Mixed media is good, I think. Not much when it's my FACE populating the page, but still. Visual learners will be pleased.

Here is a nice picture of an apple pie. Made by some old lady that my Grandad won at Bingo.
No, I politely refused to eat it too.

WARNING Brain Vomit and Girls With One Eye

:WARNING:

BRAIN VOMIT AHEAD

So, I got my results this morning. C C D 

Not bad. Excruciatingly moderate. 

but turns out I didn't need the grades anyway after logging into UCAS this morning and finding that I had already been offered an unconditional into Bath Spa University, UK

This- Is pretty darn exciting. Means that everything's going to SUDDENLY change- but hey. That's all good, right? :D NEW FRIENDS.

and perhaps more importantly: NEW STATIONARY VILLAGE.

Wonderful.

Mad-Man-Kyle has sent me another link. This was his idea of a great song. And for once, I have to agree with the mad bastard.

It's a bit crazy, a bit creepy. But still wonderful.

Don't mess with  my pie.

SHARE ME. SHARE ME!

This little Goat wants to go on a journey. He has actually already begun.

Give him a shunt in any direction you like and SHARE HIM. ANYWHERE. Twitter, Facebook-- Myspace (If there are any hipsters out there)

Somebody Tell Me What's Going On

This. This was lunch.

I KNOW.
WHAT.

I went from Double XL Sandwich for breakfast to having something vaguely healthy for lunch. What o.e
I felt so wrong buying these salad-y things I genuinely contemplated popping to McDonalds [Link to kidney-stealing clown] to pick up a 99p Burger to balance it out. As you can see, no such joyous thing happened.

I'm fortunately and ungratefully about to tell you how it tasted.
At first I felt it was a good move, full of fibre, protein and all of those other good things that scientists keep blarbling on about us needing during the day. I think I consumed a few of my 5 a days without tropicana and the pesto was a nice foreign taste for a lunch in the office.
However. After the twentieth bite of pasta and basil- my tastebuds got bored and my brain turned off. It was pretty bland after a while and I just--- I won't be doing it again any time soon.

Mission Salad was a failure.

Still better than soup.
ARGH SOUP. What a horrible thing. It's NOT food, you can't eat it. It's a liquid. It doesn't fill you up but it doesn't quench your thirst either. How crappy.
Give me a thick wholesome soup, that smells like gravy and has bits of bread and chicken in it big enough to sap up all of the liquid bit and THEN I'll eat it. And I don't even think that counts as soup anymore.

Hate you, Soup. [Whilst googling "Angry soup" to find a suitable link to pop there. I found the link that is currently there. I can't--- what is that?! I don't even....(Warning: Foul language on link)]

On the upside, I found out that The Real Tuesday Weld  did the music for the PS3 game LA Noire.
How wonderful ^^

Hippo Vs Lion Vs Advertising

I don't know about you, but I think that either youtube's doing its advertising really right or really wrong...

Casually watching hippo vids.

Come on, I wanted to see which one out of a hippo and a lion would win.

Oh, you want to know too?

Here you go:

Early Morning and Breakfast is Gooood

Whoever thought of my breakfast this morning is a genius, needs a promotion and should be my friend.

The only thing that's missing is bacon.
"Ham AND Bacon??!" I hear you call.

YES Ham AND bacon. You'd be a total weirdo not to appreciate bacon in ANYTHING.

Other than perhaps between marshmallows... Oh god I see an experiment coming on...

I won't lie- the brown bread doesn't add anything to it either. When I ask for bread, I don't tend to want nuts with that. Any sort.

Bits in bread. Why would you want that?!

Don't go telling me "It's good for you" because who wants that either?! Maybe vegetarians and health-freaks.

but they don't count. They don't eat bacon, and thus aren't real people.

I Made a New Friend

This. This is Steve.

Not the most imaginative name. But he's a pigeon. Not the most imaginative species.

He spent all of lunch time popping about near me being fed little bits of my lunch. He was wonderful company :D I have written a little poem about him:

Steve, oh delicate Steve.
Why do you wobble your head so?
Steve, oh delicate Steve,
Can I touch you yes or no?
You don't smell much like faeces and you didn't poo on me
Steve, oh delicate Steve,
How I love you more than a bee.

I went and had lunch with Tight-Man today [See First LOL of the Day] and the Glopho office team (All two of us) had lunch in the park. With Steve.

Steve Sunning Himself

The Infamous Tight Man

Exercise? What is This of Which You Speak?

A woman has been shouted at and generally abused by other mothers whilst she took a jog in the park because she was pregnant. Read the story here.

I always heard that it was better to exercise for the child's health?

I feel sorry for my future unborn children already. Exercise is my kryptonite. I don't appreciate it and it definitely doesn't make me produce--- dolphins or whatever they're called... which are meant to make me feel good...

I prefer McDonalds. and chips. and ice cream and OH GOD I WANT LUNCH NOW.


If I had to eat one food for the rest of my life. and only that.
I think I'd choose sweetcorn. Don't judge me. What would be yours? I demand you go out and buy it whatever it is now and consume some. Right now. I'm going to get some sweetcorn.


One food I wouldn't mind not existing? Flapjack.  [Haters gonna hate]
It's all nutty and squishy, but sometimes crumbly and it feels funny and it's never sugary enough and it gets stuck in your teeth and it smells odd and it goes everywhere and you can't dunk it in tea and it doesn't even improve with chocolate.

I once ate chocolate covered flapjack because it was the only chocolate in the house. I think that's something we've all done. Not just with flapjack, but other chocolate things that aren't meant to be consumed that we ate because it was the only chocolate in the house. Old chocolate that had melted and you put in the fridge to solidify, but for the last two weeks you've gone to get it out and it's got that freaky white dusting over it that says "This chocolate looks like it'll kill me if I eat it, or contract a virus" so you didn't eat it.

But then. One day. You haven't eaten since lunch time. You get in and you're STARVING. You don't want to ruin your dinner that's in the oven. So you hunt for some chocolate. You open the fridge hoping desperately that Santa has come by in the middle of summer and planted some chocolaty loveliness in your fridge. And that's when you see it. The white chocolate that used to be brown, milk chocolate. It stares at you. IT CALLS YOU.

and you do it. You eat it. It doesn't make you feel better, it fills that gap and you don't feel like eating chocolate anymore. But you nearly break your teeth eating it and it's just not satisfying.

Then 3 months later, you do it again and you'll do it again and you know it'll happen but you still deny that chocolate for long enough for it to gather white dust in the fridge. I think it might be dead-fridge-skin. It IS white after all.

ROMNOMNOMNOM

I'm going to go now. Need to buy some sweetcorn and check the fridge for Santa-chocolate.

Leo Sayer; The Show Must Go On

So Tesco are going to introduce four different colours of bags for their dotcom department (The home-delivery service for those either too old, fat or lonely to bother going to the shops) so that dolphins can now have a choice in the colour of bag they choke on.

On the train on the way home- two stops down the line of the first out of three trains home a large lady gets on board speaking loudly into her telephone. The first bit I heard was "I don't want to shout at you when there's a coachfull of people listening but don't think I don't want to shout at you" after a long silence she finally decided the talk was over by hanging up with "Just put the potatoes in!"

This is possibly one of the best one-sided phone-fights with, who I can only imagine was her husband, that I've ever heard!

UP FOR DISCUSSION

On the District Line train to Ealing Broadway that I catch every morning, I go past a station that's called "St James's Park" 

My good friend known only as "Fish boy" thinks that this grammar is unacceptable. I think that it's just an age-old name that is supposed to be spelt like that. 

Maybe he's being pernickety, maybe I'm just giving London the benefit of the doubt.

[I was told that I had to credit a certain clown for the joke about the dolphin. To be honest, if it offended you- it was his fault. However, if you laughed like a little child at christmas- it was me. All me.]

Running Dry With Too Much Water

You know a day is going slowly when you have time to drink water. The most boring of beverages and yet the most acceptable. One that we use to travel and as a medical cure. It makes up 80% of the planet and yet we can barely drink any of it. We are constantly running out of it yet it is always falling from the damn sky.

Yes, Water.

Anyway.

This is a wonderful rendition of Leo Sayer's "The Show Must go On" by Three Dog Night

Listen to it. Love it. I've been listening for a little while.

Or listen to the equally as wonderful original studio version:

The Glopho Blog is Alive!

GO HERE NOW 

To read it.

Look, two kittens two cups.

What's Goat Up To Today?

Ever got up and realised that your alarm hasn't gone off and you've missed your lift to the station?

Yeah.

Woke up with the fear of being late for work. Got here and wasn't late. Don't know how I can leave either quarter of an hour earlier catching the same trains and get to work an hour early [See PUPPY post] and yet today I left half an hour later than usual, caught the same trains and still got to work for 10am. 

What. 

*fist shake* Barrowman!

So uh. I'm kinda hungry. 

---*sips water* >_>

Puppy's not here.

Tight-man is wearing a Glopho cap indoors. For no reason. The blinds are even drawn. Nutter.

 I'm listening to more "The Real Tuesday Weld" 

This one: 

One of the best animations in the world.

Miley Malfoy

I am a Miley Cyrus hater.
I'm going to get that out first. So if you like her, her music, her image--- leave immediately. Unless you just want to enjoy a different look on life.

You might see the light, you never know.

She's gone and been a "free spirit" by cropping her hair.
*Facepalm*
Even the fact that this newspaper article feels the need to say "It's not quite a Britney" really emphasises how much of a cry for attention this is.

Let's face it-  when was the last time she did something worth knowing about?

Heh heh.. Never, I know. but seriously, album, single nothing.

and now she's gone ahead and tweeted this;

Stupid girl.
If I suddenly see an extortionate amount of 12 year olds with undershaves--- I'm going to be pissed.

I Saw This and Thought of You

Olympics Closing Ceremony Better Be Mad.

Sitting here listening to The Real Tuesday Weld "I love the Rain" again and caught this on my facebook newsfeed:

"SPOILER ALERT: The flagbearers of each country – including Ben Ainslie for Team GB – enter the stadium in single file, followed by many of the Games’s 10,000 athletes.

They will march together rather than by nationality, in a tradition that began at the Melbourne 1956 Games as a way of bringing sportsmen and women of the world together as “one nation”.

They walk to the accompaniment of Elbow’s One Day Like This and Open Arms and Muse’s Survival – the official Olympic anthem – followed by a symphony of British music performed by the London Symphony Orchestra. A bouquet is then presented to a representative of the volunteers on behalf of the athletes, in honour of the work they have done. The parade will be followed by footage, broadcast on the stadium’s giant screens, of some of the greatest moments from the 2012 Games."

 This was posted by Facebook's very own Muse Army page and makes the opening ceremony sound pretty awesome. 

However, it was the following link of pictures also posted by Muse Army that got me really excited.

What is that on the first picture? A giant blow up octopus?! AWESOME.

Good luck GB for the last few hours.

Has Anyone Else Noticed How Hot it Suddenly Is?

I love this.

Does it remind me of anyone? A little.

A rabbit using a camera. How silly.

The Loan Ranger

If you haven't checked out Cyanide and Happiness yet then you have probably living under a small rock for the whole of eternity. Go there now.

First LOL of the Day

This wonderful photograph taken by a very egotistical friend known only as "tight-man" is Sabine Spitz face-planting infront of her opponent in some sort of elaborate distraction technique.

It shouldn't have made me laugh as much as it did- but I love the way her legs and arms are still in the position they were when she was riding her bike.

The Real Tuesday Weld

If you don't know who these guys are- you should probably go ahead and listen to either of these:

Two Songs You Can't Live Without

As someone who, what feels like, a whole population look up to as the best example and model that they have [Lol] I feel that I have to share bits of my life that will help you in yours.

I have already let you into the further corners of my mind in the last two months and I now think it's nearly safe to reccomend a few youtube videos without new visitors looking on the front page, seeing recommendations and thinking "Oh god, it's one of THOSE blogs"

Which- let's face it. It's not. Or at least I endeavour for it never to be one.

Willies.

Right.

1] Oh No You Didn't - Mercenaries 2 Theme Song

This song is beautiful. So wonderfully--- hip... that I rarely go a day without listening to it at least once. The best story I have to go with this song is when I got onto a tube train to get to work and some wang-muncher pushed infront of me to get on the train first. As I was listening to my i-pod, my eyebrows lowered and shuffle put this song on. It made me laugh. In his face, as I got a seat and he didn't.
I hope Karma gives him piles and that Father Odin takes a poo in his best shoes.

2] Sail- AWOLNATION Remix by user7540163

CLICK HERE TO SOUNDCLOUD

This song was introduced to me by a guy who is a bit nuts. Nearly gave away a really nice flat today too. Mad man.

Pussy Monsters

I'm talking about cats, I swear.

I'm not.

A few days ago I learnt something that I think you all deserve to know. It'll make you laugh everytime you see the brand.

Never will you take the children's website www.moshimonsters.com seriously, or innocently ever again.

Moshi in Japanese means "Hey hey" So it literally means "Hey Hey Monsters" which is- perfectly fair.

However. In German... "Moshi" translates to "Muschi" or "Mush Mush" [Don't quote me on that spelling, but the pronunciation is like that] which means... well- the title of this post gives that away.


I'm sorry to those who loved the site for it's cute graphics and simple UI. But I just felt you should know that when thinking of a name for your website, brand or company. Don't choose something that can translate to women's genitals in another country.

or is the other word for someone who's never had sex. [See- "I told you this post would happen"]

I collected the figurines from Moshi Monsters for a long time. Enough to do this:

 

DON'T JUDGE ME!

Shower Pants

I love you guys SO much, I'm writing a blog even after the long day at work I've had.

Feeling pretty patriotic right now, watching Team GB pick up yet another gold in the Olympics whilst chowing down on patriotic M&Ms. They taste like Great Britain. They don't, that'd taste terrible.
A bizzare mix of seagull poo, fish and chips, cheap beer and geek sweat.

 Yum.

Something that has been sitting in my "Bloggles Ideas" Book since last night is a thought I had recently and have thought lots of times in my lifetime I'm going to name for now- Shower Pants.

Shower pants is a moral dilemma we all go through just after having a shower at 5pm. 5pm is just too early for Pyjamas.
So just put your clothes back on that you'd been wearing during the day, right? Wrong. Dirty pants on clean bits? Don't think so.
But.. wait.. too early for pjs and too late for the days' underwear. New underwear?

What- for the next 4 hours before Pjs become acceptable? I don't think so.

Easy fix? Stay naked.

Family at home? Problem still exists.
I have genuinly found myself phoning a friend to help me figure this one out. I found myself on the phone for 3 hours discussing the problem, between bouts of crying, before realising that it was now acceptable-pj-time.


Maybe I should get a onesie.

 That's me in a onesie, that is.